Browser Beaten: 10 totally legitimate reasons why women hate porn

In recent years, the topic of pornography has been met with hot-headed, hateful public contention.  Sure, some headlines are meant to startle (e.g., Viewing online pornography can make you lose your memory), but even attempting to discuss the impact of porn is a challenge.   Authors who dare hint that porn might or could be unhealthy should brace themselves: it’s a one way ticket to Internet flames.

Really, for all the issues that could rile up humanity, Internet porn seems relatively minor. But, this may be the biggest romantic game-changer since birth control or 1970’s no-fault divorce, and the issue is bewilderingly divisive for men and women.

Not sure what I mean? If you have a good half hour to kill, find an article suggesting that porn is unhealthy, then read through the hundreds of angry comments that follow. You’ll notice lots of proponents, opponents, bitter diatribes, haters, and ridiculous assertions in queue, but most of all, a lot of men on the defensive. (Spoiler alert: many believe the only “problem” is that women want their partners locked up like sexual veal, or that porn exacerbates female insecurities, or that deep down all women are sadist feminazis determined punish the universe for an inability to pee standing up.)

I’ll assume (or hope) that most awful comments are just 12-year-old trolls, but even in civil discussions, an issue clearly presents itself: most men really don’t get why women dislike porn.  Given that each individual has different feelings on the topic, I have noticed common themes among women in relationships. Contrary to what guys might believe, the concerns aren’t due to personal baggage, insecurity, or unremitting hating men. (Promise.)

To bridge the gap between women and our testosterone-infused other halves, here’s a glimpse of the top 10 *logical, rational* reasons why your girlfriend, spouse, or soon-to-be-wife might not ever like porn:

10) The premise (schoolgirls, quadruple penetration, public humiliation, etc.) is often disconcerting.

Porn does an excellent job of exploiting human lust for the forbidden, but in some cases, it may be perverting our idea of a turn-on. Films feature babysitters, physicians, and a slew of other scenarios that bring sex where — in reality — sex just doesn’t belong. And, that makes us women a tad nervous.

Why? Well, because in the real world, these “barely legal” activities wouldn’t lead anywhere pleasant.  Teacher spanks a schoolgirl?  Fired.  Doctor gets down and dirty with patients?  Fired.  And, don’t forget the lawsuit free-for-alls.   To us, this doesn’t sound like something to jerk off to, and moreover, porn sexualizes situations that we’ve worked to make safe zones.  It appears to represent a backwards slide in our social consciousness.

Guys say they can separate their viewing habits from reality, and women hope that’s true.  We *hope* that men understand why screwing your secretary, the babysitter, or a teenage neighbor would not play out well.  And, maybe guys had these fantasies before seeing them in film, but the volume and vividness of today’s porn PLUS the trampling of social boundaries makes us wonder where this is going. Even if we want to believe it’s harmless, a guy with MILF porn on his computer makes us think twice about bringing him home to mom.

9) We don’t want to look like porn stars. More importantly, we don’t want you to want us to look like porn stars. Because WE don’t want to look like porn stars.

An attractive, voluptuous friend once mentioned that her boyfriend says she looks like a porn star, and that she could “do” porn. To her and other women who don’t bump uglies for a living, these pseudo-complimentary statements actually feel like insults.

“Do I look like a slut??” she asked, “Does that mean my boyfriend thinks I’m trashy??” Honestly, I wasn’t sure.

The thing is, men and women alike see prototypical porn stars as just surgically enhanced sex objects. In the real world, when people look at a woman with that appearance, the first thing coming to mind is not, “I bet she’s got a PhD.” No no. We think, “Sloot.”  It may work in a gonzo film, but obvious or porn-esque sexuality is not well-received most anywhere else, and it would be foolish to want to emulate those standards of um, beauty. The male obsession with certain ladies of the night, however, makes us worry that on some level you might want us to. :\

Guys, it’s not that we’re worried about physically measuring up to the women in films.  Most of us wouldn’t want to look like porn stars even if we could, because that type of woman gets treated like crap by society — the very same society where we spend 95% of our lives.  Your everyday female doesn’t want to look like a porn star because she doesn’t want to be treated like a porn star, by a boyfriend or anyone else.

8) It gives men the wrong idea about what works in bed.

If we compare real-world stats like “70% of women don’t reach orgasm during sex” to the flicks where 110% of women get off whilst being railed in 15 different positions, something is clearly not quite right. Not quite right with the movies.  For men dealing with real gals and not actresses, porn is the instructional equivalent of replacing law school with Boston Legal episodes.  It’s not realistic, and it’s not real life.

Sadly, rather than realizing that porn has it wrong, this backwards mentality enters the bedroom. There some guy goes, hammering away, doing what he thinks he’s supposed to, and the woman is left thinking, “If I don’t start acting like I like this, it’s going to take away all the fun.”

Porn makes us wonder if you think we’re being complicated when we should be screaming with ecstasy.  And we know that complicated hits the male Richter scale just below annual colonoscopy.

In some sense it’s admirable that men emulate what they’ve seen, because they think all the freaky film stuff gets women off. And yes, women would *love* if it was that easy. But…it’s not. There are elements of basic anatomy that mean repeated, sideways-upside-down-reverse-cowgirl pounding won’t work for most females. When a man breaks out these moves in the bedroom, it puts us in an awkward position (often quite literally) to explain what’s “wrong.”

So, what seems obvious to women is totally lost on many dudes: The girls in porn are not the magic 30% for whom it works every which way. They are FAKING it. Oh, and…there’s no Santa :\ Please don’t blame us, though, because it’s not that we’re averse to orgasms. It’s just that anatomically, it ain’t happening like it does in the movies.

7) 98% of the time, we can only guess at what men are thinking. But when a man is watching strange women get naked and have sex on-screen… It kind of narrows it down.

It’s hard to research what goes on inside someone’s head, but according to at least a few studies, men like to picture themselves “in” the scene while viewing porn, i.e. they remove the dude and picture themselves as the actor with the lady (or ladies). It makes sense that men aren’t just sitting there thinking, “Wow, it looks like those people are having a great time,” since porn is intended to create a personally stimulating mental fantasy. Plus, now with perspective cams and all the other build-it-yourself options, it’s even easier to feel like a part of the fun.

This is all fine and well for the occasional fap.  But, when a partner closes his eyes in ecstasy during sex, and we know that he’s been watching Debbie Do Dallas all week, we start to wonder, “Is he picturing Debbie at this very moment?”

If he is, that kinda sucks. Call us needy, but most women want a man to be present both physically and mentally. Without someone’s head in the game, you kind of just feel like some place to put it.  It could be argued that a physical presence is commitment enough.  He’s WITH you, right, who cares what he’s thinking? Yet, ponder the flip side. Most fellas would be offended to find that their lover is REALLY being aroused by the mailman the whole time you’re together bed.

For a lot of women, fantasy-land is fine up until it invades intimate, non-solo events.*  The problem is that porn is like gas on a fantasy fire, and lines get blurred in person, too.  When your guy is getting with Palmela Handerson and a class full of naughty yoga girls three times a week, it’s hard not to question his mental fidelity in intimate scenarios.

*(Yes, we’ve all gone to ye ole highlight reel with our long-term significant others, but it’s just plain courtesy to be discreet about it.)

6) We want to be needed, especially in this regard.

I’ve heard guys argue, “Women don’t understand how important sex is to men. That’s why they don’t understand and/or hate porn.”

Au contraire, mon ami. We know exactly how important sex is to you. And that’s why we hate porn. Having your boyfriend/husband go to the Internet instead of you is like having a job outsourced to China. No one likes being tossed aside for a job they want — and need — to do. In this case, the job is a partner’s sexual excitement and gratification. Women know that if the man doesn’t value them in the bedroom, there isn’t much they can do to engage his attention in other spheres. It isn’t about power or the battle of the sexes. It’s about being human and wanting to feel needed.

At this point, porn does not replace people for MOST guys.   When we hear stories about guys who would rather watch a video than do it with his own girlfriend, though, we wonder, “How long until that becomes us?”

Best to nip that one in the bud.

5) It’s an uphill battle for us, one that we will realistically never win.

Women really can’t compete with porn. We can’t compete with the accessibility, the variety, the endless streaming novelty, none of it.

It doesn’t matter what you do as a girlfriend or wife, because unless you can shape-shift like that blue chick on X-men, there is just no way to “keep up”  with porn. We could try to fit Jello wrestling with co-eds into our weekend schedules, but even then — the amount of effort it would take to rival even a single video, when waiting around the corner are millions of other options… We have jobs, people. Real lives to get back to.

It’s not a competition, because if it was, porn would always win.  We just hope that somewhere along the line, men will factor the relationship into their sexual equation, and find that connection exciting.  Chicks in porn don’t know or care if you use them and lose them, because they’re in a video.  Banging some other dude.  They don’t have feelings about you.

We, however, do have feelings about sleeping with you. It would be nice if that were mutual, instead of something easily dismissed.  With porn, sex is reduced to sex alone, and we tend to want more than that.  We want you, and a relationship with you.  Take it as a compliment.

4) It gives men a path of least resistance.

To sum up many a male commenter: “Men watch porn because their lady isn’t giving it to them as often as they need.”

Hmm.  Okay, that may be true, but sex is still a two-way street. What if instead of visiting some website, guys worked to become more sexually appealing? For both parties in a long-term relationship, it’s tricky to keep stoking the sexual fires.  Everyone has to pitch in and make an effort, and for women, Internet porn is like a mistress that hangs out in your living room 24/7. The availability makes it all too easy for men to avoid talking things through and go get “it” elsewhere.

With both men and women in the working world, we’re all tired, stressed, and dealing with day-to-day issues that complicate relationships. Modern women sometimes needs a little more coaxing, but we still WANT to be coaxed. If a guy’s attention is diverted, then we’re even less likely to jump on the bandwagon, which makes the guy more likely to have attention diverted… Basically, it’s a self-perpetuating problem.

3) The reasons you give us for watching it are pretty BS.

Please, for the love of Hustler and all things holy, stop trying to use a damn biological argument for everything.  Even if men are visually oriented and seek “variety” in their sexual diet, that doesn’t mean they NEED to watch porn to be happy or survive.  Ancient man got along just fine without Crazy Coeds 7 on his downloads queue.  Arguing caveman genes and porn in the same breath is about as viable as Donald Trump’s political bid or as convincing as Charlie Sheen’s stint with sobriety.

Anyway, claiming you need porn for sexual satisfaction is like saying you need McDonald’s to avoid starving to death. Just because it’s cheap and readily accessible doesn’t make it the best way to go. We get that there’s temptation, but it would be nice to see some self-restraint, and maybe turning to a healthier (?) option every once in a while.

2) The alternative suggestions you give are also usually BS, and not helping.

Some guys like to say, “It’s the woman’s fault!  If she put out more and got into more freaky stuff LIKE the girls in porn, I wouldn’t watch as much porn!”

Are we really making this comparison?  Seriously?  That’s like if we said, “It’s the man’s fault!  If he reenacted scenes from The Notebook, I’d let him put it anywhere any time of day!”

Sounds kind of … Unrealistic? Delusional?  Insulting?  Pick your adverb, but asking women to act more porn-ish to get male attention is like saying men should act more like Ryan Gosling to get laid.  We have to remember that the camera is rolling and those people are *acting.* It’s naive and unconstructive to argue that crazy scenarios on the internet or in movies are a good barometer for real life.

In personal relationships, you don’t want us holding you up to ridiculous expectations or comparing you to Hollywood actors any more than we want to be compared with women who are quite literally paid to f*&k. Men can’t all be like Leonardo, and women can’t all be DTF Debbie.

Finally – (drum roll please) – the #1 reason why women hate porn:

1) Umm… we just do, okay?

Do you know why you hate talking about your feelings, watching Gilmore Girls, or anything to do with interior decor? I’d guess there are all kinds of reasons, but the bottom line is that certain things just make you uncomfortable, unhappy, or vaguely pissed off.  As a result, you don’t want them as a part of your life.  Enough said.

Sometimes we can’t verbalize or pinpoint why we don’t like porn, just that it bothers us and we don’t want it around.  So, please don’t try to convince us of merits and reasons that we simply won’t agree on.  And, if you’re going to watch it on occasion… Go ahead and delete that browser history, por favor.

[Additional Note: If this list isn't doing anything for you, and sounds like just another bitter, judgy female with self-esteem issues, there are some alternative reasons to consider curbing the habit.  Try www.yourbrainonporn.com, a VERY interesting site where men talk about their various experiences.   If anyone has suggestions for other male perspectives, please let me know!]

[Also, regarding comments: If the message title is something like "Male power reigns supreme" and serves no purpose other than being ridiculous, it won't get posted.  So, save your T&E.]

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175 responses to “Browser Beaten: 10 totally legitimate reasons why women hate porn

      • It’ too bad you lumped all the 10 together. I would like to respond to 1 aspect (no. 4). What do you mean by ” it’s a two-way street. What if instead of visiting some website, guys worked to become more sexually appealing?” It’s been my experience that the idea of sexually appealing is far more clearly defined when speaking about women. However, given the various and sundry ways women look at men, this simple phrase tends to take on a whole gamut of meanings. That is why it is a whole lot simpler to make porn plots for a guy than for a female (who usually tends to reach for the romanticized novels with floral patterns on the cover).

        • As a current porn user (who inadvertently ran into this blog seeking it!) made me reflect honestly on a time when I first tried to quit porn. See, before I met my SO, I had been indulging in porn for over a decade. But early on in my relationship with my SO, she made it clear that she could not tolerate it at all. She was the first person close to me that had ever told me that porn was “bad.” I loved her, I wanted to be with her, so I (naively) promised her I’d give it up for good. No problem, right? Wrong. I think I lasted a month before I started viewing it again.

          I’m still with her, but I don’t think I can keep both her and the porn long term, which I’ve come to hate for two reasons: One, I’m hooked and I can’t stop even though I want to, which really scares me. And two, since then, I have not been able to keep my promise to my SO, even though I try.

          The thing is, nobody ever told me that porn was this hard to quit or would be bad for relationships later in life. The fact is I don’t think women understand how powerful porn addiction is. Men understand it even less. A lot of people aren’t getting the message out until its too late.

      • You state ” We just hope that somewhere along the line, men will factor the relationship into their sexual equation, and maybe somehow THAT connection will be exciting.”
        Rather than hoping for him to see things your way, recognize you are now inside the man cave and would best be advised to put on your learning cap and ASK rather than HOPE for things to go YOUR way! What could you ASK you say?? Well how about “what turns you on THE MOST about this sequence “? And then use it to have fun!

        • @Pamela Anderson – @Anonymous 8:30am is using logic. A stereotype of women is that they are incapable of using or understanding logic. You have proved my point.

      • I get why women would dislike porn. I’d be cool with never watching it again – but how many times do girls go gaga over the shirtless celebrity with a six pack. How many video games portray men with bulging muscles even when there’s no reason they’d have a sculpted body due to their occupation? You girls hurt our egos too and when ever I’ve taken offense I don’t get treated like I’m a reasonable person who wants a two way street.

        I’d love to meet a girl who’d be just as loyal with her eyes (and mind) as I could be. But alas men will carry the burden, because that’s what makes us men.

        • The difference between a woman staring at someone with muscles an shirtless compared to a a guy watching poem is we are not “pleasing” ourselves while looking at someone.. That’s the problem we have with porn. Looking at something is one thing but to actually please yourself when you have a physical person right there is a problem.

        • There are women who are as faithful with their eyes and minds as they are trying to get their boyfriends to be. I personally don’t ever fanaticize about or even really think about other men in any sexual way. I also don’t prefer very athletic men so that’s why I hope for the same thing from my boyfriend and got it. He quit porn, doesn’t enjoy thinking about other girls, and absolutely loves my body despite it not being as curvy and voluptuous as the normal idea of “sexy” for a women. So long story short there are women that don’t just expect total mental fidelity without providing it themselves :D

  1. I love it when you write about porn (and no, I’m not kidding)! I think most guys know that women don’t like porn and that porn is not a healthy thing to be in to. I think we also know it’s not realistic and contains plenty of situations that we will never experience (being seduced by a nurse, for instance). So, I was going to try and give a better reason why we watch it, but I’m having trouble coming up with one. The cinematography?

    Wish I could represent my gender better…anyways, awesome post! : D

    • Thanks! I *think* this only makes porn post #2 for me, but will see if I can crank out a few more in the future… on the brilliant cinematography, perhaps? ;) Honestly though, not sure if most guys do see it as an unhealthy habit — the list was inspired by 2,000 angry male responses to a research article about female insecurities and porn, mostly detailing the evils and suppression by my gender. not trying to point fingers, just *explain* that female opposition isn’t wholly irrational… Either way, glad some fellas will admit at least a touch of mea culpa on the issue :)

  2. I’d add the discomfort with knowing the amount of women being taken advantage of in the industry. It’s one thing to say they’re all consenting adults, it’s another to know the reality of the pressures and psychological issues behind a lot of women entering “the business”. I absolutely believe there are some well-adjusted women who choose it freely. Whatever rocks your boat. But I’m extremely uncomfortable anytime I see a female porn star who genuinely doesn’t seem to be into it. It instantly makes me wonder about all the terrible reasons she might have agreed to it.

    But I agree with #1 and how that gets you to an impasse in the discussion. I just don’t. You just do. Enough said.

    • Indeed, there are more serious things wrong with the industry than made this top 10, but at least for now these were left out on purpose. I’d like to think a list that included the issues of coercion, underage or illegal ‘actresses,’ normalizing violence and rape fantasies, etc could be titled “Top 10 Totally Legitimate Reasons Why *Everyone* Hates Porn”…

      • To me i believe that girls don’t like to watch porn because they feel like they are competing with the models on TV – which leads to jealously. Just like some guys do not want to watch videos of a guy who is “bigger” than them. That’s the only real reason.

        Porn does not affect your relationship unless it becomes an addiction.

        Porn is geared out to men mostly. So of course some of the scenes are going to seem weird to females. Just like how gay porn are directed to gay men and females.

        Anyway, is this articles based on 10 reasons on why YOU hate porn or did you do research and asked around? Because majority of women that i met over the years never complained about it or really do not care for it. So they do not “hate” it but they never watch do to their lifestyle.

        • Hi Jerry,

          Thanks for the feedback.

          Yes, the issue of “competing” makes the list, but I respectfully disagree that it’s simply or even usually just that.

          As for it not being a problem unless its an addiction, that may be true in theory, but addiction is loosely defined in this context. Not many men would say they are addicted (or on the path), but their behaviors may indicate otherwise:

          needing to rapidly switch videos or watch multiple at once, needing more or stranger scenarios to get aroused, feeling ill or disgusted after a session, etc.

          I’d have to hunt down the stat, but a downright crazy number of men have been caught watching porn at work (and most get fired). That’s the kind of thing that qualifies as addicted, for porn, gambling, alcohol, whatever —when a behavior has a negative impact on social, work, or other personal sphere, but the person still doesn’t stop.

          Not sure what you mean about gay porn being directed towards women…

          As for the list, sure it’s partly my opinion, but more so what I’ve heard described by other women. Based on the comments (I think there’s a few not too far down from your comment) and emails I’ve gotten from other women who agree, it seems fair to say this list encompasses why a lot of women don’t like porn.

  3. This was an interesting read, though I disagree with some of the points. For example, I can honestly say that, although I have a couple of favorite porn stars, I have never actually imagined myself having sex with them. It’s a purely voyeuristic experience for me. Moreover, being in a sexless marriage, I can say that telling your spouse, “I’m really in need of intimacy right now, what can I do to turn you on?” doesn’t always work (hell, in my marriage, it never has).

    However, I can’t speak to the universality of those sentiments. That, to me, highlights a necessary component of any relationship–knowing your partner, recognizing what makes them (un)comfortable, and respecting their boundaries and desires.

    Regardless, it’s always interesting to hear the female perspective on pornography. Like I said, an interesting read!!

    • Thanks! And apologies for not responding to this before. I always appreciate the male opinion/perspective on these sorts of things, and you’re right — not every man has the same experience with pornography re: imagination. And, certainly there are instances where trying to talk it out with a spouse doesn’t work, but that usually indicates a problem that goes beyond porn :| In those instances it might be time to re-evaluate the situation, and like you said, see if the necessary components of the relationship are intact — knowing one another, respecting boundaries, desires, etc. Thanks again for your input!

    • Thanks! Haha and my mind went two very different ways when you mentioned “deep throat”… I sincerely hope there’s no such thing as Watergate porn, but wouldn’t be surprised…

  4. Great list…unfortunately,I’am one of those women you referred to on your list.
    A woman whose man watched so much porn he could not get it up for the real thing.
    It hurt my feelings so much when I would be doing everything to try to turn him on and…NOTHING.Yet masturbating to porn he had no troubles.
    Is this really where we are all headed? Instant self gratification over a meaningful relationship? Why can’t men see that they only defend it because they are addicted to it…just like all addicts defend their highs.

    • Jewel — I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had a relationship destroyed by pornography, and unfortunately suspect more and more women will have similar stories in the future. You really point out the fundamental problem it can cause (choosing self gratification over a meaningful relationship), and what inspired this list — men always question what womens’ “big problem” is with porn, and the answer is — *Our* relationships and sex lives are at stake! Oh, and your defending addiction comment is so spot on — When I read some of the crazy angry male commentary following articles about porn, its all too reminiscent of people who defend their addictions to painkillers, uppers, etc. While porn may be like alcohol in terms of people who can use it in moderation vs. those like your ex who take it too far, it’s hard not to be concerned when researchers point out all the ways porn viewing mimics the patterns of highly addictive drugs: dopamine bursts that require greater and greater stimulation over time, compulsive usage, an inability to break the habit even after it’s become problematic, the denial of a problem…

      • Smoothreentry,
        Yes,I tried watching it with him.And for some reason,he still could not get hard or would and then would go limp once we attempted sex.He had to use Cialis to get it up for with me but not with porn by himself.
        I have been told I’m pretty attractive and have never had this issue with other guys.I eventually found it to be too insulting and I broke up with him.
        I really don’t mind a guy who uses porn occasionally,but all the time is ridiculous.Your relationship and real sex should come before fantasy.

        turn to ci

        • Thank you for sharing details Jewel.

          Nothing kicks a guy in the man pride balls harder than a woman getting pissed that he can’t get it up. The woman feels insulted, makes the guy feel even more pressure, which makes him think too much, and pretty much guarantees performance issues are going to remain. (Speaking for myself at least.)

          I hear stories of men who won’t take Cialis. So your guy was at least concerned enough to do something about it.

          Having said that, if he is in to porn and you aren’t, I can see where that wouldn’t work. That is an interesting story. Thanks for sharing.

        • He had no problems getting hard for porn.That is what upset me.He knew quitting the porn may help him,but he wouldn’t stop.He just preferred to take a pill…and,he couldn’t take a pill everyday,so sex was just something I got every once in a while.Let me ask you,what MAN would put up with that?? They wouldn’t,they’d find sex somewhere else.
          Without going into too many details,I gave up A LOT for him.And what was insulting was that he wouldn’t give up his porn for me.I couldn’t be with someone so selfish.

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  6. Hallo Anna.
    The points you have made are surely interesting but they have also made me wonder about an utter contrast of two visions of a couple’s relationship that I have read between the lines: you seem to take for granted that a couple’s reletionship must imply a mutual dependency and a mutual commitment. Cannot it just based on mutual independency (freedom) and agreement?
    On one hand you sets boundaries everywhere, like on the kinks of sexual fantasies or on the look a woman should have, on the othe hand you state so strongly a “need to be needed”, for attention, for effort.
    I could answer: why should you have such needs? Aren’t you enough for yourself? Why, at the very end, shoud you need me to need you and why should I need you? Wouldn’t it be better if nobody needed nobody? Wouldn’t it be better if we just were happy of the good time we have together?
    Actually the greatest effort in my life is try not to need anything nor anyone, including myself. Therefore it is very hard for me to accept the very basis of your arguments.

    • Hi Luciano. Thanks for your feedback, and apologies if this list seemed contradictory in some places – at the same time, I think you’re reading too much into certain aspects. I’ll try to answer your questions/comments as best I can regardless

      “you seem to take for granted that a couple’s relationship must imply a mutual dependency and a mutual commitment.”
      Ok, Maybe I didn’t do a good job of illustrating it here, but that’s pretty much exactly what I’m saying — relationships entail mutual dependency and commitment, especially sexually.

      “Cannot it just based on mutual independency (freedom) and agreement?”
      Largely, yes. If a relationship doesn’t involve independence/freedom and agreement between parties, it rarely works.

      “On one hand you sets boundaries everywhere, like on the kinks of sexual fantasies or on the look a woman should have…”
      Women can look however they want, and this isn’t about setting “boundaries” on people’s sexual fantasies, although you say “boundaries” like it’s a bad thing…! I’m making a realistic observation that porn does not translate well to real life, and may encourage people to cross the line of what is generally inappropriate (adult men having sex with high school girls, physicians having sex with their patients, etc). Is it okay to fantasize? Of course. Do people always act on their fantasies? No. But normalization of the sick and twisted just can’t go anywhere good — let’s take for example that NYPD cop who was “fantasizing” about and then plotting and ACTING ON his plans to kidnap, rape, torture, and eat (yes, like a cannibal) women. There are things that happen in porn that we would NEVER want to happen in real life. It’s growing popularity is thus disconcerting.

      “Why, at the very end, shoud you need me to need you and why should I need you? Wouldn’t it be better if nobody needed nobody?”

      Um, no. I don’t think it would be. And even IF it would, Society will never be made up of fully independent people. We are social creatures who all need other people. If you need an appendectomy, are you going to do your own surgery? Do you grow your own food, find your own clean water? Unless you want to go off and live (and die) alone in the woods, people need one another. (Hell, you wouldn’t be alive to be questioning “needing” anyone if your mother & father didn’t take care of you as a baby and in your most vulnerable years, ).

      Also, if you’re still talking about porn, to not need your partner sexually and instead watch porn is NOT needing “nobody.” Lets not forget that the women and actors in those videos are real people. When you watch it, it’s just transferring that sexual need from your partner people you’ve never even met.
      No offense, but your Tolkien-derived email address indicates you’re a lover of high fantasy. And, this “philosophy” is very much just that. Show me a man or woman who claims to be 100% emotionally or physically “independent” from others, I’ll show you a liar and egotist.
      Instead of focusing on never needing anyone, we should focus on being productive and making ourselves useful in order to return the favor.

    • The presumption in the article — and the responses — is that sex is all about ME. Hey, so long as women insist on being the sex objects of men (and $171 billion a year on cosmetics alone suggests as much), then men will continue to be the subjects of sex. Porn actors are just indirect objects, but maybe women don’t understand such complex sentence structure? They sure didn’t understand Debbie Does Dallas. No guy I know was lookin’ at Debby Do Little. They were looking at Dallas. Whoever controls porn (the indirect object of action), controls the show . It used to be religion, then it was the overworked mom, and now whom? Tinsel-Town and Tacky-Town? Isn’t it really the battle for men’s minds …? They were lost when Socrates was born and men went their own ways.

      • “Tinsel-Town and Tacky-Town?” Maybe I’ve missed the various references in this passage, but it sounds like you’re rambling/drunk/a bit off your rocker.

      • Okay, you had me all the way up the last sentence. Men’s minds were lost when Socrates was born and men when their own ways from what and/or whom

      • Women don’t insist on being sex objects. A lot of systems in place were created by men. Sure there are a lot of female producers of porn today, but for a long time, men created the need to make money. Women aren’t making all that money. People can be conditioned and socialized to go along with and accept anything. So many stories of women who started out in stripping or porn was because the men who owned the businesses paid them more for that than if they were waitresses or other jobs. It’s human nature to go where you can make more money. Although if it was such a lucrative and honorable industry men would be flocking to those jobs as well, but they don’t. You ask any man about stripping for his wife or doing a job like that, and they laugh like you’re crazy. They know it’s demeaning and don’t want to do the work.

  7. For the record, there are women who like porn. In fact, I like to watch a woman get turned on by porn. I’m not debating that men are the vast majority of consumers. But it is not like women who like it are unusual. There are plenty out there. And what about 50 shades of Grey and romance books? That is porn delivered in a different format…

    Good article!

  8. I would like to offer a very contrasting view of pornography that is never talked about. It is this – pornography exploits men primarily. Here are the reasons why. First of all, pornography consumption is very often referred to as an “addiction” by the men who consume it. Even if they don’t acknowledge it they consume it in a way that is a compulsive behavior. It is through this lens that pornography consumption by men must be viewed. For men it’s like having an alcoholic beverage, a line of cocaine, or a hit of heroin sitting right on their desks in the form of a laptop. The extreme ease and availibility of pornography on the internet has facilitated this temptation by quantuum leaps.

    Think about it like this. Who spends their hard earned resources on consuming pornography? Men. Who spends their hard earned resources on get their fix? Any type of addict or junkie. Who profits with pornography? The women who perform and the producers. Who profits in drug addiction? The manufacturers and the dealers. In pornography you can view the female performers as the manufacturers and the producers as the dealers. There are many women behind the scenes in porn now too.

    There are literally hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of women world wide who perform pornography for MONEY. Remember that male performers make very very little compared to female performers. They certainly don’t do it for money. These women and the producers are exploiting the imperious biological urge of men for profit. Men are willing to spend large quantities of resources to consume it.

    So I say to you it is men who are primarily exploited by pornography.

    There is more though. Much more. You fail utterly to inquire about men’s feeling regarding pornography. Unlike your implied assumption, many many men feel guilty after watching pornography. Just like an addict who has gotten his fix, the man knows there is something inherently debasing and unethical about pornography. This is not talked about at all. Your article seems to imply men are happy and guilt free in their consumption of porn. I assure you this far from the case. I have talked to many of my friends and they have admitted, as well my personal feelings after viewing pornography, confirm this. Are there men who enjoy porn guilt free? Of course there is. However there is a large group of men for whom it is a shameful behavior but a compulsive one nonetheless.

    Another aspect of the article that is incorrect are the reasons you get from men for watching pornography. You take them at face value. You have to remember that many of these are the rationalizations of an addict. You wouldn’t take a rummy’s word for reasons he drinks. You would rightly see them as illogical justifications. The same goes for pornography consumption. It’s an attempt to normalize behavior that causes shame and anxiety. That is also why men validate pornography viewing amongst each other. It’s more rationalizing and an attempt to feel less guilty and isolated by it.

    I can tell you that articles like this do nothing to alleviate the problem of pornography, which is very destructive to both sexes. It makes the problem seem exclusively a male one when in fact they aare the ones being exploited by it the most. There is no understanding of the burden and anxiety that extreme ease and availibility of porn has on men.

    • Ivan,

      Thanks so much for your thoughtful, impassioned comment. I think what you’re pointing out in this argument is VERY important, and very much the reality.

      Far from discounting the impact that porn has on men, I simply didn’t include that aspect because it is beyond the scope of this post. “You fail utterly to inquire about men’s feeling regarding pornography. Unlike your implied assumption, many many men feel guilty after watching pornography.” — I’m well aware of this. And, to be honest, this was NOT part of my write-up because I’ve seen what happens when women attempt to make points like, “the man knows there is something inherently debasing and unethical about pornography.” Articles with similar statements are what inspired the intro, ie an attempt to look at it from a new angle. Rather than setting myself up to get lambasted and generate a slew of accusations that female insecurity, feminism, etc. are trying to *stifle* male sexuality, I wanted to try and approach it in another less intense, mildly humorous way.

      The gist of what you’re saying here, you should know, is not overlooked by others — it is a point that has been made (or at least attempted) time and again. Usually by researchers, sometimes by women who have watched its impact on their partners, but either way, I’ll say it again: The discussion is almost inevitably met with a violent opposition… from men. Even men who have encountered the negative impacts of porn in their own lives. I could write a whole chapter pondering why, but as you’ve noted, porn has addictive properties (more so than people are willing to give it credit for), and much of the defensiveness resembles when someone tries to tell a druggie: “You have a problem.”

      You might be interested in a site I came across not too long ago, Your brain on porn: http://www.yourbrainonporn.com

      I haven’t vetted it too thoroughly and so can’t speak to the total accuracy/quality of the information, but it seems to be centered on the point you are concerned about. Porn is like a 24/7 crackpipe on the computer, and the dopaminergic effects have actually changed male pleasure centers… much like meth or any other highly addictive substance.

      Anyway, we could debate back and forth and go on and on about how porn is impacting modern sexuality, but for now I can only say this — in no way did I mean to neglect or overlook the impact that porn CAN have on men. But, it’s just not the topic of this article.

      Thanks again for your feedback.

      • In all truthfulness the real reason why ee watch porn is cause you (girls) are not there 100% of the time. So porn becomes our secondary (notice how I said secondary) , it is a simple way to “release” without reciprocating. The affect, also. To be quit honest porn has literally nothing to do with the female, rather they become a visual asset to our momentary pleasure. I.can however agree with the fact that #4,5,6 are vividly accuratebut cannot be helped. For young teen.age girls who obsess about singers (Justin bieber) they do not realize that they are downgrading men because they do not meet the sstandard of mister perfect (sound familiar). So guys get red flagged for doing something they enjoy but women get a blind eye for thier pleasures (the blind eye is given by the guy because he doesn’t want something as minor.as.your obsessions to get.in.the way of a relationship). But few women ever.do take all the.variables into account….sigh if only the world reciprocated……….all in all women and men (mostly) have their flaws but men tend to overlook most were as women tend to dissect all.

  9. This piece had me smiling and laughing, mostly because it’s something I’ve heard before – mostly from my ex-wife early on in our marriage. So, many, many years later, she’s giving me the business about watching porn and asking why I have to watch it. My answer was simple: “If you’re not always gonna want to have sex with me, I’m not opposed to watching other people doing it.”

    Sure, porn plays to a man’s fantasies… and to a few women as well. It is “art” trying to imitate life and if you look at it like that, most men – and a few women as well – are avid art lovers. Men are because, well, we’re visual like that (not sure why we are though); women are because, as I’ve heard said by a few women, “I wish a dude would do me like that!” or, even better, they just have to have something else to complain about when it comes to men and our seemingly endless need to do the nasty.

    There are some pieces of “art” that, as a man, I feel are degrading to women; I also feel that porn – which is often used as primer by men and women ’cause no one ever teaches us how to screw – sends some pretty incorrect messages about sex and sexuality.

    A ‘truth’ is that women dislike porn simply because they don’t think about sex the same way guys do… and I’m sure there are more than ten reasons why women don’t. Another truth: Some of us watch it… and all that’s on our minds is the sex being displayed; none of that wishing we were doing the woman on the screen and, perish the thought, no wishing that our woman would be willing to do what we’re watching… because if we can’t do it, we can watch it…sometimes. A lot of men I know won’t watch porn because, as they’ve said to me, “What’s the point of watching other people doing something you can’t do?”

    And some of us watch it because we don’t have anything better to do; oh, wait, we could be having sex with you if you felt like being bothered but since you don’t…

    • Thanks for your feedback, kdaddy! Not sure if the “sounds like my EX wife” was a subtle hint re: women should be careful bugging SigO’s about this topic… ;) either way, I hear where you’re coming from on the difference between men and women. I think at the most basic levels, women understand the reasons why men watch porn, but sometimes either 1) overanalyze, or 2) overemphasize what those reasons mean for the relationship. If this were an advice post for women, though, on how to get him to cut back on porn — indeed the #1 suggestion would be: Try more sex!

        • @Terra – It’s exactly that simple. A wife that puts out rarely, if ever, is a wife who will drive her husband to either an affair, a prostitute or porn.

        • Nope. I’m female, attractive, great in bed with a super high sex drive and I have never said no to a committed partner. It doesn’t change porn habits of said porn watchers. Porn is the one thing that kills my sex drive. Occasional watching, sure! Watching some together and experimenting a few times, ok. But paying for it, keeping it on your phone, and spending as much time sexually with images of other women as you do with me, well that just feels like betrayal and betrayal gets you are large credit card bill, and the kind of emotion less sex you have with a hooker while I do what you do and look outside my relationship for sexual nourishment, including excitement, arousal and orgasm.I just can’t get those things visually.maybe it’s because women are wired to need touch, smell and feel.

    • Anytime, 3MM :) Your post(s) make a strong point about why men should curb/quit the habit for their own sake, and for this high traffic topic… Could use a supporting male POV!! Getting a lot of angry comments on this list, many of which aren’t posted (usually wouldn’t “censor” replies, but just not interested in being a platform for ridiculous ‘oops I googled beaten women porn and came across this instead’ rants). Hope with your links, some fellas will spend those 30 minutes reading up on what you’ve posted, rather than detailing all the evils of women…

      As usual, keep up the good work ;)

  10. If there wasn’t porn involving women getting cum in their eyes intentionally, spit on, called cumbuckets, worthless whores, stupid sluts, good for nothing, fuck pigs, treated and called trash, told “anal is supposed to hurt” before being penetrated (Sasha Gray, looking at you in all your “empowering” depravity), I wouldn’t have such a problem with a porn. But this shit is mainstream now. What does it say about the people, especially men, who watch?

    • @kdaddy23 really?! First off…you sound like you think women owe you sex! Women prefer to SHARE sexual closeness, not GIVE it to a man! Men love porn because the skanks always allow the man to simply use them! Deep down, that is all most men want! They have this “shut up and suck me” mentality and could care less about you as a human being!

      If “your woman” won’t engage in sex with you, why are you the victim?! Perhaps she is refraining becuae you are an awful lover? Perhaps she is bored & tired of feelig like she is with someone who clearly lacks imagination and can only try to duplicate what he’s seen in porn and simply doesn’t get how unrealistic & monsensical it is! (She’s embarrassed for you hon!)
      Or, perhaps you have absolutely no emotional or intellectual depth which allows for NO connection! A woman needs to feel a conection to come alive sexually and if she’s forced to go through the motions….she would rather refriaim altogether! It’s not rocket science boys! Show her some kindness and interest ALL the time, not just when you want to get laid!! Unfortunately, that is where the problem mostly lies…men don’t want to deal with important things like that! They are not interested in the human aspects of women….they love the “fuck n go” approach, which is why when they are not jerking off to porn, they are with prostitutes.

  11. The “out sourcing” argument and the “we’re not insecure” argument are contradictory. Also the statement about ancient men not needing porn is completely flawed. I.E. Ancient Greece…

    • I’m not sure why you think those are contradictory. The outsourcing argument is about the fact that the accessibility and variety is something that we can’t compete with, much like an American worker can’t compete with the cheaper wages of those in China. That’s not sexual insecurity any more than knowing that you can’t compete in the Olympics is means you’re “insecure” about your athletic ability.

      The ancient Greece idea doesn’t have any bearing on argument about modern porn — the fact that humans like visual stimuli isn’t in question. Streaming high-def sex acts for sexual satisfaction, however, isn’t “necessary,” even if we have an evolutionary taste for certain things. (Plus, In terms of what people consider adaptive traits, it’s too recent on the time scale to be considered evidence of hard-wired behavioral needs.)

  12. I think all of Anna’s points are valid – for the stereotype she has portrayed in the article. I think it’s a fair reaction to the type of guys who have responded to discussions the way she describes in the introduction. But porn is not monolithic, and men do not all think or behave the same way. I think it’s worth exploring men (and women) who use porn not for a “variety” alternate to their lover, or a window into what they expect women are really like, or an outlet for anger that the person in their lives is just not putting out enough. Sometimes, it is just about visual stimulation when the one you’d prefer to be intimate with is away, or tired, or distracted, or just not horny. I propose that some people can use (some) porn in a healthy manner. I can also assure you that many men do not want their partners to look or behave like pornstars, despite using porn.

    I also take issue with the argument that since porn is a new thing, people should be expected to exercise self restraint and realize that we never needed porn to get off in the past. The same could be said of many of the features of our modern society, and an appeal to the glorious past gets us nowhere. I’m open to arguments for healthier sexuality in the absence of porn, but until I see evidence, based on my admittedly non-professional experience I think porn has a place in advancing healthy sexuality for men and women.

    Let me reiterate that I agree with Anna that much of porn (and the traditional industry) drives and is driven by unhealthy power dynamics, exploitation, and in the user, insecurity and jealousy that is taken out on their partner. These are problems worth taking very seriously as Anna does. But we cannot throw the whole medium out with its drawbacks – a better approach is to examine it from all angles and figure out how to shape it for good use in the future.

    • I think it is a very interesting statement that men do not wish their partners to look or act like the pornstars whom they get off on sexually. This smacks of insecurity to me. it’s like saying ok for me but not for you. I may desire other women but you may not be desired by other men. A type of western psycholigical burka if you will.

  13. Men, I think it’s sad that someone has to come up with 10 legitimate reasons why women hate porn. Obviously, there is a problem with it. If we are honest with ourselves, we can’t blame women and say “well if she put out more often” etc., that is no excuse to watch porn. When we watch it, we are drawn to our own lust. That is what porn is, it’s lust. It’s impossible to love your woman and watch porn. That is the only reason women need!

    It is not about women’s jealousy and insecurity, it’s about our failure to love and to give ourselves completely to them. If we are not ready to give up porn, than we are not ready for a real relationship.

  14. Porn has a place in advancing healthy sexuality for men and women?? Really?? That’s rich! Paid actors pumped with steroids and silicone, women faking pleasure with obvious dry vaginas, men so desensitized it takes 20 minutes to reach climax. If that’s healthy I don’t want any part of it. Just because something may sexually arouse you doesn’t mean it’s always good or healthy for you. That would be like saying it’s great that American’s are indulging their gluttony and becoming obese. Remember that pedophiles use the excuse that their victims enjoy the act. It’s true that even a child can become sexually aroused give the right stimulation but that in NO WAY makes it healthy.

  15. hey anna…
    firstly back in the days of the cavemen pointing out they didnt need porn is irrelevant because women didnt have a choice in saying no so masturbation wasnt as widespread and before you say it no… i would never want sex with a woman who didnt want it and nor should any man, however i am very shy and not confident around women and find it very hard to talk i have tried and have been rejected countless times…. no biggie. it sucks but life goes on, probably better for you ladies that i am not in the dating poole. lol. However i still have sexual urges so what would you suggest i do? At least with porn i can quickly masturbate to cheer myself up and get on with my day. I dont picture myself as the guy in porn but i do think women look beautiful and i like watching them having sex. If I cant do it at least I can watch other people do it… thanks for listening anyways. Take care

    • Hi Dave,

      Thanks for your feedback. Two things: I’d guess masturbation wasn’t as common back in caveman days because cavemen were busy doing other things… like surviving. If food/water/shelter/predators are consistent and immediate concerns, taking leisure time to jerk off *probably* didn’t take priority. Plus, masturbation would’ve been a pretty ill-fated reproductive strategy.

      Also, re: Rape — All we can do is make semi-slightly-ever-changing-guesses about what took places millions of years ago, but from what I’ve read, I doubt rape was as common as you fellas seem to believe. Again, it’s not a good reproductive strategy: human women have this thing called hidden estrus (i.e. it’s not obvious when we’re ovulating or fertile– unlike some animals who send very clear signals), and a one-time, random sexual encounter has a very low (something like 3% I believe) chance of resulting in a pregnancy. When also considering the high rate of fertilizations that are spontaneously terminated in the first trimester, ya odds aren’t good with the bangher leaver technique. Plus…given that everyone prob spent days half starved and stalked by wild animals, a quickie – especially if you had to chase/hold down some woman who was involuntarily involved! – might not have the appeal it does today. Men who consistently have sex with one woman would likely fare better in many ways.

      Oh — Also, you might want to read some of literature on the sexual dimorphisms and unique aspects of human sex organs. The size of the male penis as compared to other mammals, and the development of the female clitoris would not make evolutionary sense if rape was the M.O., and the majority of successful humans were having forced (rather than consensual) intercourse. These developments seem to indicate that sex was consensual, even pursued, by females.

      That being said, I’m sorry you’re not having much luck with the ladies, and I can totally understand why porn would be a good outlet. That’s why this post is directed at people in relationships, i.e. people who are working to make it work with someone else, not people who are single, i.e. only accountable to themselves.

  16. Your arguments are irelevent and won’t get men to stop watching anymore then you’ll stop buying shoes , gossiping, read stupid mags and watching chick flicks and day and evening soap operas. The real reason women hate porn is that they’re jealous of it and terrified that their man will learn that some regular chicks like porn , some real girls look like porn stars and some normal chicks are just as freaky and horny as porn stars. Then we will dump you for them. Deal with it

    • Hmm… Well, first off, not sure what “arguments” you’re referring to. The list is about why some women (in relationships) don’t embrace porn — it’s not called “10 Reasons Why Men Shouldn’t Watch Porn.” Somewhere out there, such a post surely exists, but that wasn’t the point of this one.

      As for the rest of your comment, yes, some women are into porn, some girls look like porn stars, and some are just as freaky and horny. But let’s break down what you’re saying: you think that women are jealous of porn because they worry that men watching it will provide this big, secret revelation. Interesting…

      Yet, if a guy’s perspective on the realistic abundance/availability of such women is the result of time watching online porn videos, not a result of his interactions in real life (e.g. the women he’s dated or slept with in the past, women he knows in daily life, etc), doesn’t that tell you something? If *porn* is providing this supposed insight, not what you’ve ever actually experienced or, to be generous, perhaps heard about from other men (I mean like men you know, not people’s online blog stories – an equally mega-reliable source)… Well, yeah. It should give you pause.

      Oh, and if a guy dumps his GF because of what he’s seen in porn, then she dodged a bullet.

      • You have no idea what it was like being a middle / high school boy, with regards to sexual frustration. All the girls your own age either want a 20%, or if they’re all taken, someone who is more “mature.”
        Porn was great! and trust me, If I didn’t have access to porn, I still would have been masturbating to the thought of the thong peeking out on the girl who sat in front of me in spanish class.

        If you say that porn is addictive , then your actually saying that masturbation is addictive. Well, so what? do you masturbate? then I could call you an addict also. The fact is, masturbation is no more damaging than any onther pleasurable compulsive behavior.
        Kids learning sex from porn? Thats BS, I attest that good sex, humping, is instinct. People just do what feels right. Seriously, how many guys do you ACTUALLY know who have ACTUALLY said to you, HEY lets try this I learned it in a porn video?
        In fact, amybe young girls SHOULD be watching porn, maybe they would actually learn how to flick their clit off. Seriously I’ve been with two girls who didn’t even know how to find their own clit. Thats a negative result from a prude upbringing, where masturbation is “evil.”
        Look, all I’m saying is that porn, or just plain masturbation, can be a great outlet for young men. Your all complaing about your husbands watching porn, thats between YOU and YOUR HUSBAND. Don’t start some kind of lame anti porn campaign just because your husband is getting ED. Trust me, ED correlates much higher with McDonalds comsumption, than it does with porn consumption.

        • I can’t tell if this is trolling commentary, but saying porn CAN BE addictive is nothing like saying masturbation IS addictive. That’s like comparing a cocaine-induced dopamine high to the happiness you feel when you have a good conversation with friends. While we’re still working on the behavioral model of addiction, it is most often defined by the negative impact it has on one or more spheres of your life, e.g. social, professional, or physical. Many men don’t realize that they’re addicted to pornography until they try to stop watching it. Or, until their wife leaves them. Or, they lose their job because they watched porn at work. If you’re spending hours a day watching porn at the expense of other activities, that’s an issue. Most people (outside of teenage boys) don’t do that with masturbation alone. (NYT Howard Markel article ‘Over the past several decades, however, a burgeoning body of scientific evidence has indicated that an exogenous substance is less important to addiction than is the disease process that the substance triggers in the brain — a process that disrupts the brain’s anatomical structure, chemical messaging system and other mechanisms responsible for governing thoughts and actions.’ The brain is stimulated by pornography in a way that sex, solo or partnered, does not compare to.)

          “Kids learning sex from porn? Thats BS, I attest that good sex, humping, is instinct. People just do what feels right.”
          … This has been studied. The research on average age for first exposure to porn ranges from 8 to 12 years old. Researchers ask middle or high school students questions about sex or what they think is “normal,” and it’s largely defined by what they have seen online. So, yes, kids “learn” from porn.

          “Seriously, how many guys do you ACTUALLY know who have ACTUALLY said to you, HEY lets try this I learned it in a porn video?”
          … Actually, yes, this *actually* happens to women all the time. I’ve been in an LTR for a while, but between college and now, almost every guy I dated had some weird idea they want to try based on something they’d seen online. Not sure what that says about the gen pop, but I’d guess it’s a very real phenomenon.

          “Don’t start some kind of lame anti porn campaign just because your husband is getting ED”
          …Who started an anti-porn campaign?

  17. How did a former missionary, happily married man get hung up with internet porn and how did he get out of it?
    I had no idea that I had a weakness for porn until I went to investigate what the big deal with internet porn was all about. You see I am a community activist and I was all set to see how to get rid of this problem. The joke was on me, rather than me fighting it-I was devoured by it almost instantly. I knew that I was in deep trouble but could not seem to stop. I prayed, made deals with God but to no avail. I spent hours on line staying late at the office, getting up in the middle of the night after my wife was asleep. I knew that there was a disaster on the way but I was powerless. One day a friend came by my office to ask me if I had heard of internet filtering (he knew nothing of my situation-no one did). It turned out that in 1996 there were no filters that were accessible for Macon, GA so he hacked me into one and for a week I had wonderful relief. There was a wall between me and the porn. However, I was soon kicked off the site and back in the pickle.
    So I decided that if I could not get access to a filter I would start my own and I started http://www.wisechoice.net with an emphasis on adults. We offer no adult bypass option and provide accountability reporting.
    Since that time, not only have I had relief from my porn use but we have provided filtering to several thousand people and during the process have talked, emailed and counseled with hundreds. We have discussion board with thousands of posts at http://www.wisechoice.net/discuss which has story after story of families broken up, women betrayed, husbands ensnared, these are both religious and non-religious people. The effects are the same. Almost immediate addiction to porn for the men and the resulting destruction to lives including loss of jobs, marriages-even freedom due to prison. This is a fascinating subject. Statistics say that 50% of men online are using porn. There are three A’s to internet addiction: accessibility (anyone with a computer), affordability (millions of pages of free online porn and anonymity (close the door-stay in the office-no one knows)
    Psychiatrists report that the same area of the brain stimulated by crack cocaine is stimulated by porn. The associated issues are enormous. These include desensitization to every form of sexual practice no matter how bizarre or depraved. Rampant child porn, pedophilia, bestiality, S&M…..
    It is my observation that we all have hidden character flaws that we know nothing about and that unless they are triggered then they lie dormant and are never a problem. This is somewhat like a person with a predisposition to alcoholism but if they never are exposed to drinking then they will never trigger the flaw. The same holds true with internet porn, men who never had a problem with child sex are suddenly inflamed when they see it online, or S&M…fill in the blank. Until the internet hardly anyone even knew these practices even existed and would have been horrified to know. But now, it’s everywhere and lighting fires everywhere.
    The bottom line is that over 50% of men and nearly 30% of women are watching porn. The danger is staggering in terms of broken families, ruined careers, and reputations and in some cases prison. We wouldn’t allow a crack dealer to hang out in our living rooms or office but when you have no filtering to separate you from internet porn then it is much the same and as we all know, if even if you are not hunting for internet porn, it will come and find you. I urge you to take control.

  18. 10) I don’t understand why the premise would be “disconcerting” when it is staged fantasy. Would you say that you don’t want men to play Call of Duty or watch the Saw movies in case they decide that killing and mutilating people is okay in real life? Most men understand that porn is just for fun.

    9) I don’t want you to look like a porn star either. And I hope you don’t want me to look like Arnie, though I wouldn’t mind you gawping at his muscles as we’re watching Terminator.

    8) Lol, that’s fair enough.

    7) And how do you know that he’s not picturing Kim Kardashian or that hot girl he was flirting with at the store? Men AND women are attracted to many different people – both in the media and in real life. That does not change just because they’re in a relationship. Even without porn you are never going to be the only person who turns a dude on.

    6) You are needed. Porn is a lot of fun but it will never compare to real intimacy with a real person. Not least because sex is only one aspect of a real, meaningful relationship.

    5) You are not supposed to compete with porn. You’re supposed to accept that it is just a form of entertainment and by no means a reflection on you. Even the hottest, horniest girl in the world could not completely eliminate a guy’s lust for other women and strange fetishes.

    4) If porn has replaced your sex life then your relationship is in trouble. But since the MAJORITY of men watch porn at sometime or another I don’t think this applies to MOST people. Again, porn is just another form of entertainment; it’s not a substitute for real intimacy.

    3) Yes, ancient men got along fine without porn (they were probably too busy raping and torturing real women from rival tribes to bother with freaky fantasies but let’s leave that aside). Ancient women also got along just fine without erotic novels, candle-lit baths, chick flicks and pampering sessions at the Spa. But life isn’t just about “survival”. Men LIKE porn and that’s the best reason for doing anything. It’s FUN.

    2) Hmm, it depends really. If the guy is really into BDSM, for example, then letting him tie you up may well prove far more effective in drawing him to bed than just standing there in your undies. A little excitement in the bedroom will make him less likely to resort to the web to find the stuff that REALLY turns him on. Ask him what he likes; tell him what you like.

    1) Okay. But ordering someone to quit something that they enjoy just because you dislike it for reasons you can’t put into words is a pretty big ask. Especially when most guys who grew up with the Internet have probably been doing it since they were teenagers or even kids.

  19. Saying that porn gives a person unrealistic views of what is or isn’t possible … well… it reminds me of the reasons they gave when Harry Potter books were banned from schools.
    Even if the dude tries some newly acquired “moves”, is that really so bad? If nothing else, it could be hilarious.

    For every girl wishing for their guy to watch less porn, there is a guy wishing for their girl to watch more.
    I know my girl isn’t very into it, so I respect that. She does the same for me.

    • Not really sure why Harry Potter was banned, but yeah you’re right – it’s the most banned book in America?! Weird. Not sure if it’s really comparable, though. We’ve seen a definite rise in high school students involved in high-risk behaviors like anal sex. If there’s been a rise in kids flying on broomsticks, then you might be onto something.

  20. I certainly wouldn’t be with u. Me and my wife BOTH Watch porn together, in fact she even Watches it without me SomeTimes. She is a nymphomaniac who DOES orgasm from straight pounding, and any girl that doesn’t is abnormal and something is wrong with them. Yes, something is wrong with the 70% of chicks who claim they can’t come that way. They just ain’t been hit right. My wife can hit about 3 real ones In 6 Minutes (not faking either). She likes everything about porn.

    • This comment barely merits a response, but no… There’s nothing “wrong” with the women who can’t get off from a “straight pounding.” That’s ridiculous. Cheers, though. Glad you and your wife have sexual chemistry.

  21. I couldn’t find the “love” button so I had to settle for the “like” button. I agree with all of your points- finally, someone has the balls to say it! Thank you! It does sadden me that a lot of men who have commented seem to completely miss the point. :( It truly is an up-hill battle, but don’t give up! Thank you again!

    • Thanks! Glad you found it relatable, because yes, you’re right — So far a lot of men have interpreted this way differently than I’d hoped (rather than a FYI blog post, you’d think I started a government petition to ban porn or something…). Interestingly enough, though, one of my female friends recently confessed that she watches a ton of porn and has lost all sexual interest in her fiancé :\ It’s a bit chicken/egg regarding which problem came first, but just having the online “outlet” has definitely made her less inclined to try and fix/work on things in her relationship. So… I guess it works both ways…

    • Could we really address some of the main issues like does the internet create what men like or do men. It seems like porn is pushing the envelope each year with new and disgusting trends. I for one, have no interest in sex if its played out already in the head of some guy with hundreds of strangers from the net. For me porn is a turnoff, its just so freaking dumbed down for people with no imagination or feel inadequate. I know for a fact it desensitizes folks, what worked for you a year ago doesn’t do it today. If my partner wants porn go for it I am not your master, but it doesn’t make me feel any closer to my partner and it does not turn me on. In fact I feel farther away than ever. I am sick of people telling others its harmless and healthy. If it was your daughter being treated like a porn star or an stretched out glove you wouldn’t be so okay with it. Would you? Or your mother getting it from a dick the size of your arm. Society trains people to have little empathy and compartmentalize our lifes. To disconnect one issue from another. We spend too much time away from important activities. I’m not saying that sex is bad. But don’t treat your loved ones like some freaking stranger off the net who is making money off your weaknesses. Seriously when did jerking off become a hobby.

  22. 1) we dislike it for reasons we can’t put into words??? The words seem clear to me. Women are finding it disrespectful for the spouse who depends on her to respect him, to do act as a partner in household activities, to raise the kids, work outside the home during the day, be supportive of his goals and dreams, and who is gonna be the one to care for him when he’s sick, and the one who will be with him during life’s hard times so he’s not alone, has to turn to other woman just because it’s fun while it makes us feel insecure, unwanted, unattractive and not special. Feelings are valid. I’m sure you have times that you feel compared or insecure. Sure, maybe you push it aside and suppress it, but sex is personal. I gave up lots of things I thought were fun because they annoy my husband, and I did it out of respect and because nothing in life is more important than family, intimate bonds and love. So is this how the dialogue goes? Honey, I find you sexy and I find all the other women in the world sexy too. And I can sit in living room and have virtual sex with any woman I can possibly imagine and ejaculate, just like I do with you, but hey, you’re still the most important woman in my life. OK, if so, then ask me for sex every time you feel that way instead of turning to porn. I’m open to try anything. Well, no honey, I want you AND other women because it’s fun and I really like variety. I want all kinds of women, not just you. But you’re still the most special woman in my life. Then I guess I’m only important enough to you to be the only woman in the world who gets to be a partner in managing a household. Lucky me! You can see all sorts of women naked and see the most intimate thing they can expose of themselves that could be reserved for me, but no. I’m not enough. You have to have anyone you want. Ok, I’ll go do the dishes then because the woman you’re gonna masturbate to in about an hour won’t be coming over to do that.

    • ha, well, yes, there are a lot of things that CAN be put into words (hence the 10 item list, and your note-to-husband), but even in addition to that, there’s just… Something about porn that many women find unsettling. Quite a few guys seem to think the feeling is rooted in “insecurity,” but I disagree — “insecurity” is what you feel around a gaggle of NFL cheerleaders. Porn elicits something more… unsettling? Maybe it’s related to what you mentioned — that women are exposing the most intimate part of themselves –and as women, we know the vulnerability that entails…? Either way, thanks for your feedback!

    • OMG, yes. This, this, this, exactly this.

      Also, don’t you think it’s *very* telling that the women are all saying “This is a big problem, it’s affecting me a lot and it’s seriously jeopardizing our relationship”, while the men are all saying “Silly women, it’s got nothing to do with you or our relationship, it’s just a bit of fun for me”. Don’t you think that that exact dynamic, and the attitudes it reveals, are at the root of all of this? Like, I have a right to watch porn and it has nothing to do with my relationship even though my stupid girlfriend seems to think it does…

        • Yes, it is really sad. As a man, I can tell you from personal experience, porn hurts relationships. Porn is lust, it has absolutely nothing to do with love. I am surprised woman put up with it. If men stopped watching they would have much better relationships with women. Ladies, you really deserve better! You deserve to be loved. I wish more men would come to the realization of how harmful and hurtful porn really is.

  23. Well, I left out the obvious. The whole concept of the industry is to make women as objects. And I know when who were strippers and they’re treated with no respect at all. The point is that women are just things to consume. It is true that a lot of women in the business just do it because the need the biggest paycheck they can get, and porn or stripping is it. It’s not a fun job in their books. They get tired of being looked down upon and mistreated.

  24. kimeekimee, im truly sorry for yours and every other womans plight over the abomination that is porn.
    you sound strong, you have good, sound values and I really hope for you to soon find yourself on a happy path in life where you are supported and feel special to and loved by the people close to you. Every woman is a beautiful work of art, I so wish that one day they will be respected and loved for the beautiful beings they are inside and out.
    porn is awful and disgusting if for nothing else than the fact that the industry which drives it would do something so unthinkable as encouraging men to literally betray the woman they could have loved in order to make a buk. Children have a hard enough road ahead of them growing into compassionate, sensitive and loving individuals with the constant bombardment of all things violence, greed, money and sex ridden. Millions of them are already being left to face this horror with a broken family and now thanks to people like those who endorse porn millions more will be added to the mix. All you men who gutlessly try to defend your own wrongs cannot justify an industry that terms your fellow humanbeings with all the derogatory insults under the sun, practices beasteality, endorses child porn (I shiver to write those pure evil words), rape and violence along with countless other horrors. You are defending an entity whose business is to exploit YOU. even if you are suffering an addiction (I feel for you, I really do:( ) you achieve nothing by denying this and defending those that caused your pain in the first place! …That doesnt make sense…
    To the men who openly stand up for women over this topic, thankyou soo much. I have been left with the task of raising my baby boy all by myself over porn and I have been struggling with something horrible. A hatred and distrust of all men keeps trying to enter my heart and people like you help me to fight it. You give me strength and inspiration to not be consumed by my hurt which then leads me to question my sons ability to grow up into a strong, intelligent human being who doesnt think that women were only made as toys. This scares me so much – how could i think that, hes just an innocent little boy…. I hate porn and I along with every other person who feels this way have very sound, logical and absolutely valid reasons for doing so.

    • If masturbation is an addiction, then so is gambling, television, listening to music, mcdonalds fries, sex, commenting on internet blogs, playing video games, playing sports. You get my point.
      Also, if you have to constantly fight a “hatred and distrust” of all men, then you need to get your head straight. Why don’t you get out in the real world and meet REAL people, instead of breeding hate and sexism in an online forum?

      Every woman is a beautiful work of art?
      If you believe that, then Why don’t you work with me on changing the dangersous perceptions thant many women have about men. Like maybe your own sexist perception? Or maybe that girls on average olny rate about 20% of men as attractive?Maybe if more women thought that all men were “beautiful pieces of art”, then many of us wouldn’t have to use porn.

      And another thing, your litttle boy is going to hit puberty, and unless he ‘s lucky enough to be in top 20% of men, hes going to realize that all the girls his age want someone more “mature.” . So He’s going t ouse porn to assauge his sexual desires. It’s not the end of the world.

  25. That was quite a male response there! As I was reading your post, I remembered something I saw once in an episode in Friends, they always seemed to be watching porn… even though I’m not quite sure. Great post!

  26. Er. I’m a guy, I happened to come accross this article and read it in its entirety, and quite a few of the comments as well. Ironically, I stumbled upon this article right after finishing my (near) daily fap routine haha. I also have a long time girlfriend of 6 years, and everything is great. We talk about pretty much everything openly, and I know she doesn’t like the idea of porn/me watching it, but she accepts it. It simply is that I want to have sex wayyy more often than she wants to, and I am fine with that because I understand that priorities don’t have to be the same. I think that men and women are just wired differently, I notice that I like visuals and sounds much more than she does, and she loves the mood, spontaneity and passion much more than I need. I work hard to get her in the mood (date nights, cooking, dancing maybe), and we often get a little spontaneous and risky. But I still watch porn nearly every day, sometimes twice a day, even on days that I do have sex. I don’t feel guilty because I feel like I’ve actually, and I’m not joking, learned so much from porn. Nowadays, porn is less and less ‘scripted’ and more and more ‘amateur’. Older generations may enjoy production work, but with webcams, videotapes, free sites etc, porn has really come to show actual people having sex and having fun. I learned what seemed to work and what seemed to not work by the reactions on the screen and in myself, and tested them in the bedroom. I have heard too many stories of both men and women being so inexperienced and unwilling to try new things that it just ruins anything in the bedroom, and I fully believe it could be solved with a little porn and self-exploration (masturbation). I mean, how can I be expected to please the one I love when I can’t even please myself or know what is pleasurable?

    All I am saying is, don’t be too hard on porn unless your significant other is doing something terribly wrong in or outside bed. He may owe most of what he can do on porn, and I don’t think you’d want to lose that. Use it to your advantage, maybe get a few ideas, play around a little. Also, a man who says he doesn’t watch porn will either take A LOT of getting used to/training in bed or is flat out lying, I can guarantee that.

    • Amazing post. I feel like I need to applaud your response.

      You have given a great explanation on the male point of view which is both fair and honest, and I must say, I agree with everything you’ve said.

      It’s exactly that type of mutual understanding which creates a healthy relationship. Your perspective on the matter yields some great advice.

  27. Do you really need me to pinpoint it for you? I know you cant do it yourself, but here goes.
    Women only find 20% of men attractive.
    Women hate the other 80% of men.
    This is why women “hate” getting hit on. I’ts not that they hate it, its just that 80% of the time the woman is throroughly pissed that a weak sniveling 80%er is hitting on them. The LOVE getting hit on by men of Christian Grey ilk, lets just use him as a standard of a 20%er.
    Now on to porn.
    Porn takes controll of sex out of the females hands. And it gives an 80% access to sex (shitty simulated sex at that). Women hate this, because they despise even the idea of a sniveling, weak 80% man getting something that he isn’t “entitled” to. This is the core hatred of porn. Women come up with all kinds of excuses ranging from womens rights, to sexual slavery, to impotence in men. Christ, ok so porn causes me to not be able to get it up, but thats only becaue I already whacked it 5 tims today, seriously girls I don’t have ED, please stop beong sexist and learn some male anatomy!

    • Kyle,sorry,but nothing you said is true or makes any sense.I don’t know any woman who hates 80% of men they don’t consider attractive as you say.Are you really that short sighted? I doubt women give a crap about what other men are doing.We only care about what the men who are in relationships with us are doing.If you are single,then go ahead and jerk off into oblivion with your porn.But if you are in a relationship,you should put your partner first.If you can’t grasp that,then maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship.

      • I wasn’t sure what to say to the series of “Kyle” comments that appeared the other day, so thanks, Julie, for taking one of them on rather succinctly. As you’ve noted, it’s all a bit nonsensical, and I suspect rooted in an immature understanding of the issues at hand.

        Kyle, I’ll tag on a response to some of your other commentary here and just say: I appreciate the contribution, but think we are not in a place to see eye to eye. No, I don’t know what it’s like to be testosterone time-bomb (aka middle school or high school boy) any more than you know what it’s like to be a young female in a world of mixed messages, sexual antagonism, and the like. But, as with any childhood or adolescent angst, who cares? Adulthood is about responsibility and letting all the excuses go. Don’t bring up middle school, or high school, or any other rationale of the past tense. Actually, please just don’t say any more silly things on this already saturated blog.

    • Btw, you realize this article is talking about men/women in relationships, right? People who are intimate on a (presumably) regular basis and (presumably) share a mutual attraction? How single men choose to entertain themselves is not being addressed, and indeed, presents totally different issues for men – not so much for women. IMO, if you want to “whack it” 5 times a day… by all means :)

  28. I am a woman and yes, I do watch some porn. And to be honest, it stirs feelings and ideas of infidelity in me that I would have never felt had I never starting using it in the first place. This is what scares a lot of women, the fact that the porn-watching may lead to real-life cheating if the man is not strong enough to stop himself. And believe me, there are men in relationships who are unable to stop from cheating if they somehow find themselves in a potential real-life fantasy. The less porn I watch, the happier I am with my relationship and myself, and the more I get to use my imagination when masturbating (which I always find gives me more powerful orgasm than any naked bodies on a screen).

    • Hi Sylvia — You’ve really nailed something here, a #11 worthy point on why some women have a problem with porn: We’ve watched it, and we’ve seen first hand what it does to our minds, our sex drives, and our relationships. Maybe men would be more sympathetic if they understood that we’re not trying to shame them or isolate porn as a strictly male problem, and that we’re wary because we know exactly how it can affect people… because at some point, it affected us. Watching porn is still a bit taboo for women to own up to (especially since masturbation in general is just now becoming semi-acceptable), so I appreciate your candor. Also, you make great points about your experience with ‘getting off’ (ha) the porn habit — it feels good, or even great, once you stop. It’s an eye-opener about why even as a ‘personal’ habit, porn can impact a relationship’s overall sexual/emotional happiness. So… Yeah. Thanks for your excellent feedback!

  29. The problem with porn isn’t always the porn. If your in a relationship for 10 yrs and suddenly find out your spouse has secretly been watching porn for 2 of them it does make you wonder why they had to hide it? If men say it’s not a big deal to watch porn then why do so many of them hide it from there spouses? People only hide things that they know are wrong or that their ashamed of. You can’t have a relationship without trust and secrets take that trust away. And if the porn viewing is in the open and it causes your partner pain and insecurities, then why would you continue to view porn, knowing your intentionally hurting them? That’s not love. And to say that one person shouldn’t have the right to tell the other what to do is bull as well. Being in a relationship is a mutual understanding that neither of you will cheat. If I found my spouse on dating sites I would demand he never go on again! The same with porn, there are certain boundaries that are automatic when it comes to the opposite sex when you are in a committed relationship and if you can’t respect them then you shouldn’t be in a relationship! And if you say porn is simply habit from when you were younger, then it makes me wonder if boys ever do grow up to become men!

    • Thanks Chandra, you make some great points —
      For one, ” If men say it’s not a big deal to watch porn then why do so many of them hide it from there spouses? People only hide things that they know are wrong or that their ashamed of. You can’t have a relationship without trust and secrets take that trust away.”

      I agree with the underlying principle, but can already hear the responses that men will have to that logic — they’ll say that they hide it because their sigO thinks it’s wrong, not because they think it’s wrong. You’re totally right, though, in that if someone is keeping it secret or lying about their behavior, it’s destructive on a few levels. Your next point hits more on why:

      “And if the porn viewing is in the open and it causes your partner pain and insecurities, then why would you continue to view porn, knowing your intentionally hurting them?”

      This is really what gets me every time — People say it’s not addictive, not a “problem,” yet can’t seem to give it up for someone they love. If it’s not a big deal to do it, it shouldn’t be a big deal to give it up… right?

      (I can’t really think of a good comparison, but if my BF had a fundamental concern with …coffee drinking, or even blogging! — I’d happily give it up for the sake of our relationship)

      • This seems to become a circular argument almost a chicken & egg issue. Porn means nothing to men & it doesn’t mean they aren’t attracted to their partner but…..they refuse to give it up. A bit oxymoronish don’t you think? I’m not sure porn is the real issue in these relationships. It seems to be more about respect and control. In my experience men feel that women are always trying to control sex. Women don’t see it that way at all. We just have different needs. Now to be honest when my partner has hurt me I haven’t wanted to be close to him in any way and that includes sex. Did I use it as punishment? No, I just could not open myself up emotionally or physically at the time. If he resorts to porn because I’m not available that cheapens our relationship to me and thus begins another cycle of hurt and rejection and no interest in
        sex. Unfortunately porn allows men to avoid dealing with the hard work of problem solving. I think it’s sad that they divorce themselves from women as thinking, feeling humans to use them as sex toys. Sure porn is erotic but NOT in a healthy feel good way. Sex is fun and fulfilling between people who are there for mutual attraction and pleasure. It’s time we stopped fooling ourselves about porn’s redeeming qualities. We all have conditions in relationships so if your guy uses porn despite how you feel there is a message there for you……he doesn’t care. If it walks like a duck….

  30. Wow. This expresses my feeling towards men and porn in a way that I cannot even begin to express. Wonderfully written and right on point. Hats off..I haven’t read another article that so expertly dissects reasons why a women might be opposed to her partner’s porn habits. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

  31. I typically don’t read the comments in any article. But I found this post so interesting that I read every comment as well.

    I’m dealing with this whole issue right now. I’m a woman and though I don’t necessarily share these particular reasons, I can see their validity. I’m in a relationship where this has come up. I refuse to make ultimatums in reference to porn because I don’t feel it’s right, but I also don’t keep quiet on the fact that I’m not a fan of his porn watching. It’s nt addiction level but I do think there’s something to be said for the fact that if it isn’t an addiction in some form then why not be able to give it up if it upsets the other person?

    I have no moral objections and I’ve even watched with him and found it a turn on. I even took pictures for him and even though I didn’t expect that to make it stop, a small (and naive) part of me hoped it would happen.

    I also wanted to say that the guys who commented and understood these ideas, even the guys who didn’t agree with them, are great guys and just wanted to give them a way to go.

    I’ve been reading posts an articles about this because of my current situation and I thought this was one of the best and the fairest. Unfortunately, there is an abundance of articles that are so judgmental their point gets lost or overtly religiously based that it doesn’t click for those of the non religious persuasion.

    I hope this helps some guys understand and even some girls be able to better understand their position. And even though I don’t feel/agree with all the reasons, I still passed it on the my bf.

    • Thanks for your comment, L, and I’m glad you found this a reasonable evaluation of the topic. A lot of women in relationships are wondering the same things you are: If it isn’t a big deal, why not stop? Or, is there anything I can do to improve the situation (take pictures, watch it with him, etc.)? You sound like a fair and open-minded partner, so I hope your BF similarly respects your views and reasons.

      Unfortunately, from what I’ve heard and experienced, there’s not much YOU can do to alter his habits. If he’s going to change, it will have to be because HE wants to. Even if it’s not at “addiction” level, some men are surprised to realize just how much it has or does affect them — the things that come to light when they try to or actually do stop. He might be surprised at how cutting down on porn can help your relationship, or his own mental/emotional/physical well-being. I hope things work out for you — thanks again for your feedback!

  32. Love the article and to the point.
    In the end we do not know as humans how to beings.
    A relationship is about the now and not about some fictitious fantasy that involves you not being here.
    Relationship means what is saids
    RELAT to converse ie: talk and be honest to each other
    ION In doing this it creates power (that is what ION means) synergy that brings you together on all platforms of life.
    SHIP a vehicle that you travel in going forward together.

    Sex is the culmination of a relationship not porn that visual stimulates
    but distorts true relationship.
    What was mans downfall in the Garden of Eden? Not sex but communication. The point is men are scared to talk therefore they
    disappear in fantasy wanting to be loved and wanted the wrong way and to be honest that is how they survive as males. However as porn is not real neither will they ever be till they truly open up to there partners and put porn aside as it destroys the truth of what is real and pleasurable.
    If only men talked. Sex with there wives and partners would be real and satisfying.

  33. Pingback: Gossip Moms » Men Dating Porn Stars On TV Won’t Help Them Or The Women They’ll Eventually End Up With·

  34. Although I am not sure your most of your arguments are sound there is definitely a problem with porn for reasons not discussed here. As for expectations there is definitely a problem with guys and girls. I have already accepted that untill I look like Ryan Gosling and have a large amout of money I won’t be desirable to women. In general I believe we are living less fulfilled lives because are minds are constantly pumped with content that makes us as individuals seem uninportant. This goes well beyond porn. It’s the society we are living in.

    • The main reason I keep clear of porn is to keep my mind and heart clean. Like any “machine”, I function most effectively when unburdened by gunk. And because life is short, I don’t want to waste time and clutter myself up with something as worthlessly distracting and conceptually contaminating as porn. Simple as that. There is no real long-term ROI to porn watching, at best a corrupting short-term escape … a Relationship Twinkie. I lost my wife (physically) 20 years ago due to her disability. Staying committed while sex-free teaches you a whole lot about what’s really important in life.

    • Looking gorgeous, yes, that will attract desirable (and also gorgeous) women. The vast majority of women do not give a damn about your money, though. Most women are after their own money, have their jobs, so do not worry. As long as you are not a lazy prick that want to take HER money she will be alright; if you are a great guy you will want an independent chick that also does not want your money.
      Unless you want the shallow gold-diggers… but then that makes you also shallow and willing to buy people.

      It all depends on what kind of women you want to be desirable to. If you are average, please go after the AVERAGE. If you want the gorgeous, hit the gym and be gorgeous as well. If you want to buy the shallow you are also shallow and I have no respect for you.

  35. For all the men out there, if you need a legitimate reason to eschew porn, consider this: multiple studies have found a direct link between porn consumption and erectile dysfunction. Turns out that when you consume pornography on a regular basis, you basically keep upping the ante it takes to become aroused. And this doesn’t just apply to real women, it also applies to porn. Yes, your penis will end up failing around REAL women, but you’ll also have to watching increasingly weirder stuff to get off, until there’s a point that you’ve reached all sorts of severe dysfunction.

  36. Having been born into this world as a male, I would like to give an objective and honest account of what it is like to have a functioning male appendage between my legs. I have ascertained that functioning male sexual organs are designed to ensure that the male is intrinsically ‘addicted’ to sex, 24/7, 365 days a year. This leads to men being in an unrelenting state of ‘heat’ (to use the female equivalent). Most men don’t actually like being a slave to their bodies primitive genetic absolution. They seek quick relief through masturbation, a diy no hassle solution and a temporary rest from the hormonal merry go round. Unfortunately the female sex drive is not genetically geared to be as prevalent, therefore sexual relief from a female isn’t often attainable. Porn simply acts as visual stimulant, nothingmore. I would be interested to know whether the author dislikes men masturbating, or dislikes porn.

  37. John, I can truly respect that what you describe is so true. What I have a challenge with, is that women also have innate urges that we have also have to manage, but none of us our animals where we can’t work through it in alternative ways. Porn is ONE way to address sexual urge. I know many wives who have told their husbands that they would be willing to have sex ANY TIME he wanted, but he says no because he wants variety. Not because he doesn’t think she wants to have sex that often. If it really is just about ejaculating, then why the rejection? And if it’s just about ejaculation, can’t you just use your imagination? If your sexual thoughts are so insatiable, then an imagined thought should be enough, why do you have to bring images of other women into this situation?

  38. Didn’t feel like reading 90 comments to find out if this was asked, but this is for the wanting to be needed one. I don’t know to many guys who would turn down their horny girlfriends, but if the horny boyfriend gets turned down for sex because shes not in the mood or etc then porn as a second option doesn’t seem like it would be something to worry about since he made his wants and needs obvious and they weren’t met. Where does the hatred for porn come from in this situation?

  39. there are women that get turned down. and women who have husbands that watch porn enough that their husbands can’t get aroused without imagining porn while they’re having sex. even though it’s obvious to you that you tell her you want to have sex, did you tell her that you were gonna watch porn if she didn’t have sex? i bet she would then. we all do things for one another in a relationship when we might not feel like it. I give my husband backrubs when I really don’t feel like it because I know he really likes it and he’s told me it relieves pain. tell me you want sex, especially so badly that you’re going to look at porn, then I’d know it’s something i can do as a wife, and I can understand then that porn is just because of no. I have a husband that said he wants porn and me. there are times he wants just porn and does not want me. he wants the variety and may not want me but someone else. sounds like rejection to me.

  40. women hate porn videos while they love 50 Shades of Grey.
    men love porn videos while they hate 50 Shades of Grey.
    Why? Because most internet porn videos are geared towards men and 50 shades of gray is geared towards women.
    So its double standards when a women says I hate porn videos but loves 50 Shades of Grey.
    And I have seen women reading 50 Shades of Grey out in the public, that’s like a man watching porn in a public area/park, which is sickening.

    • Hi Alex,

      I’m going to have to disagree with you on this one… There are a number of important differences, starting with the fact that the book (which, I’ll be honest, I haven’t read) is fiction. Meaning, it’s made-up, written from imagination and conveyed via the imagination of others. There are no real people involved, and no real acts of penetration. I won’t bother with any more in-depth explanation re: the different mediums, but think about this: It’s a crime to have sex with a minor, commit rape, flash your penis in public, etc. It’s NOT a crime to write about such scenarios in a fictional context, or as you point out, to read about them in public, either. Maybe you don’t agree with the distinction, but the rest of society seems to…

    • Porn objectifies and defiles women. Although I couldn’t get through the bad writing and sheer absurdity of 50 shades I did read one chapter, enough to see that the male character was never subjugated or denigrated in any way. I don’t read romance novels and rarely watch romantic dramas so I guess that means I can ask my guy not to use porn? I assume the males here will just come up with more false arguments to support their habit. A man (and woman for that matter) has to be highly evolved and intelligent to really get what is wrong with porn. Healthy debate is good but you can’t convince an addict to stop if they don’t think they have a problem. I am single but if I do ever decide to be in a relationship again I will not consider it monogamous if he uses porn. In that case I will assume we have an open relationship and behave accordingly.

  41. Let’s start out on a level playing field. What this means is respect has to be given equally for all to feel comfortable. Since you, Anna have never been a male (I assume), suffice it to say that you are clueless as to what a male considers BS. Eliminating this immediately from our discussion is a good starting point. To suggest that you know what part of a male’s perspective is BS in an arena that is intended to clear away some of the difficulties of a complex issue, is at best not helping and at worst pejorative in nature.
    I happen to disagree with your premise as I suspect many males do. The best that males could get out of (soft) porn would be to share it. I still and always will remember that one female in my life who while not having the best body nor the prettiest face nor the most graceful (although if she wanted to she could) demeanor, she was entirely open to my sharing. She would never feel threatened by another woman’s sexuality. Indeed, if we were walking down the streets of NYC, she would (without skipping a beat) point out the sexiest attribute of a particularly sexy woman on the next crosswalk. Rather than being cross with me as she heard the muscles in my neck snap to attention in order to get a glance at this minx, she invited me to agree or disagree with how she perceived the male response to this strikingly mouthwatering morsel. And that stayed with me from that moment on. Not the women on the crosswalk, although that also stayed with me (but clearly not as long). But more compelling for me was how attuned to my sexuality she was. Opening the door to this ability to share with me allowed me the freedom to share with her my most intimate details. This in turn would keep the fun aspect of our interactions both fresh and buoyant.

    In addition, her ability to slip into and out of this garment became more and more easy. And the trust that was being established in this arena flowed naturally into other arenas, including into the land of intimacy for its own sake.

    Since I rarely frequent these open discussions, I will check back here every now and then to see if what I am saying resonates with anyone. If not, I should probably stop now, in that talking to myself was not my primary objective.

    • - “To suggest that you know what part of a male’s perspective is BS in an arena that is intended to clear away some of the difficulties of a complex issue, is at best not helping and at worst pejorative in nature.”

      This could be the comment of either a) an intoxicated person, or b) an undergraduate liberal arts major. Regardless, I maintain that “evolution” is not a valid rationale (aka excuse) for a porn habit. Even if we were to assume that this had roots in instinctual hard-wiring, it’s still not legit: If I can overcome an ‘evolutionary’ propensity to get fat, you can overcome the ‘evolutionary’ propensity for jerking off at a computer monitor. Translation? Such an argument is BS.

      – “The best that males could get out of (soft) porn would be to share it.”
      … Huh? No idea what you’re referencing or saying here.

      -“I still and always will remember that one female in my life who while not having the best body nor the prettiest face nor the most graceful (although if she wanted to she could) demeanor, she was entirely open to my sharing. She would never feel threatened by another woman’s sexuality.”

      And/or “But more compelling for me was how attuned to my sexuality she was.”

      And… How attuned were you to HER sexuality? Can’t help but notice that this is past tense (perhaps because she moved on), and totally devoid of any reference to what a woman may want in a relationship. You’re not even close to understanding the thrust of this article, which is ironic since you opened with, “Let’s start out on a level playing field.” Such a field would involve considering the partnership desires of men AND women. See that second part? It’s the kicker.

      Maybe we should refrain from further exchanges, because there’s a fundamental discrepancy in how we view my gender. You say “not having the best body nor the prettiest face” as an indication that she should’ve been, what, inconsequential dirt to you? Sigh. Move on. Your pretext of civility is lost in the undertones of misogyny.

      • I still and always will remember that one female in my life who “…while not having the best body nor the prettiest face nor the most graceful (although if she wanted to she could) demeanor…”
        “…she invited me to agree or disagree with how she perceived the male response to this strikingly mouthwatering morsel.”

        This is how women are critiqued all of the time. How exhausting and condescending. Images of women and porn all around reinforce this. It’s not right that women have to endure this scrutiny on the scale we do since so much in society is aimed at pleasing the men.

        As Anna says, hardwiring, even if present, is overcome by an advanced brain that separates us from animals. And a human brain can distinguish among self-developed expectations to have whatever we want, especially when they are at the expense of emotional and traumatic upheaval for others. Humans overcome tendencies that cause issues all the time, only those who have narcissistic, pathologic or some other mental deviation can control urges if they CHOOSE to. Insisting on something that harms the emotional and well-being state of a committed partner sounds like self-indulgence and selfishness rather than an inability to utilize the capacity of our human brain to care for others and control ourselves.

  42. Anna – your blog is spot on. Men and women are very different and we do need to try and understand each other a little better. I agree with the idea that there is something disturbing about your partner watching porn, particularly the teens, nurses, babysitter etc. somehow that just doesn’t sit right for me. I’m not insecure in any way, infact I’m very comfortable in my own skin. Perhaps I have old fashioned values and standards but that’s a whole different blog. On this very subject my husband asked me to not use my standards to judge him. Confused, I asked whose I should use. He then said he didn’t use his morals to judge me to which I replied he does, he just doesn’t have any! A lighter moment out of what for us was/is a difficult time. The only blog I’ve left a message on – please keep it going!

  43. Thank you for the article. I’m in the middle of a low point in my relationship because of this subject and reading the points you made helped articulate some of the reasons my girlfriend couldn’t express on why she hates porn.
    That said, I’m depressed because I just moved in with her and she’s taken her stance to a whole new level. She’s gone through my Facebook account and my browser history and basically invaded my privacy and has begun making accusations that any celebrity types that I look at or comment on is only because I want to fantasize about them when she’s not there.
    I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around her. And she just recently admitted she’s sabotaged past relationships because of her behavior. I do not need porn, and have worked hard to not make it a part of my life. I haven’t been perfect at it, but I’m trying. However, her lack of trust is a major problem. I would never consider going through her things or accuse her of looking at guys.
    Sorry if this comes off as a “Dear Abby” letter but I could use a female perspective on this since most of my buddies are guys. Thoughts?

    • Hi Jake,

      I’m sorry to hear that despite your efforts, your GF is still giving you grief (and a full-blown NSA search). From your description, it sounds like the biggest red flag is that she’s done this before, and subsequently tanked relationships. There’s not much you can do to change her behavior if the cause is old deep-seated fears/neuroses. In fact, this is similar to the situation where a woman wanted her BF to stop watching porn, and felt like her efforts were in vain: The only way your GF will change is if SHE wants to. Even then, it’ll be hard for her to stop all at once, given the constant temptation of electronic access into a sig O’s life.

      That being said, there’s something else to consider and honestly ask yourself: Have you given her any reason to be concerned or suspicious? Did she find out that you were watching porn, or maybe more like… extreme porn? There’s a big difference between finding your BF watching two chicks make out in a hot tub, and finding him watching a 20-way gangbang titled, “Innocent teen *ss torn to shreds by giant cocks.” If your situation fell in the latter category, it can be veryyyy difficult for a woman to get her mind around — You’re her sweet loving BF, and… a sexual deviant?!

      Or, was there anything else that may have triggered a landslide change in her views/trust of you (and your relationship)? Think hard. Men and women can intepret the same scenario very differently, and I’ll give you a personal example: a while ago, my BF gave his phone number to a girl at a bar, a flight attendant who he later swore he was just interested in talking to about animal shelters. Um… yeah. Even typing that horsehockey made me cringe.

      While I get that people slip (heck, I’ve drunkenly given someone my number on multiple occasions), and I don’t think anything happened or would’ve happened, it still felt like he put a toe in the water. Not good. Plus, she later texted him pictures of herself (insult to injury, he picked a classy gal), and he 1) purposefully lied/hide it from me (one of his friends accidentally spilled the story), and 2) this all went down when I was out of town, he was drunk, and she was a flirty mess. Bad mix, especially with the out of town part. Now, though, what he sees as a minor blip of bad judgment is IMO cause for major trust issues. Shortly after, I went through his phone for the first time, wondering if he was lying about more than just that weekend. And I’m usually NOT that girl.

      Anyway. That turned into a rambling story. Basically, if something happened to break the trust, you’ll have to ride the waves for a while to get it back. Months to build, minutes to destroy. Such is life.

      Good luck – hope it works out!! Oh, and feel free to “Dear Abby” me any time. It’s much easier to give perspective on someone else’s relationship :)

    • Ok Jake – I can sort of answer this. Before I got married to my husband we had the whole porn discussion and I basically told him that it’s not for me and if he wanted that he needed to be with someone else. He understood this and agreed. Fast forward quite a lot of years and I discover he’s been looking and masturbating to porn the whole time. I cannot express to you my hurt, anger and repulsion. If he wanted that he should have been honest. I had never ever gone through his email and phone because I trusted him completely. He broke that trust and I needed to know that he was not going into chat rooms etc. don’t be too hard on your girlfriend – our SO masturbating to porn is like them saying ‘who shall I f**k today?’ (Who obviously isn’t my partner). It’s not nice.

  44. I’m am a woman and I like watching Porn I find it to be very educational! I also find it’s very enjoyable to watch!

  45. I agree 100% with everything.it is onrealistic,hurts those whom loves you the most,sin.I have the same problem with my husband.he loves ftv’s naked models and any sexy hot babe without clothes.there is not a easy solution for a obsession like that.

  46. I would like to start with the fact that I agree with a substantial amount of your points. When guys pass the blame for watching porn by saying that their girl doesn’t give them enough sex, it weakens their position and, frankly, demonstrates why he and his girl aren’t having ample amounts of sex. Here is my problem with this blog. It seems to me through what you have written and how you have responded to comments, whether you hold this belief or not, that you assume all men are the same. It may be your personal experience that causes you to have that tone in your writing, in which case I am sorry, but you can’t assert that all men want their girls to look like the porn stars. I for one think most porn stars look hideous.

    Your tone also conveys that you feel like men only want sex from a relationship with no commitment. I can honestly say that I have never met a man that truly wants that. For me and all my peers, the most gratifying thing in a relationship is making her happy. Yes the sex is nice, but what’s the point if there is no connection or romance, that’s basically just porn. You seem so concerned about men leaving you or becoming distant because of this easy source of sexual stimulation, but has it occurred to you that we might like the romance, the talking, the cuddling, and the connection just as much as you women? I’ve found that, regardless of whether I am watching porn regularly or not, I have a more difficult time getting aroused by some women than others. I stopped watching porn of my own volition for my most recent girlfriend, but even after two months of only looking at her, I still had some trouble keeping it up. I blamed the porn all throughout our relationship. Only afterwards did I ever consider that she just wasn’t right for me.

    Now I would like to address all of the hate happening in the comments.
    First to the guys: if you feel you need to hide it, there’s something wrong. Talk it out. If you feel like it should be an option and she is adament about it not being one, don’t get upset, you two just aren’t compatible. And finally, be honest. If you’re going to say its no big deal, then mean it. If you seriously want porn to be an option, then be honest about it. There is nothing wrong with you for wanting that, its just your preference.
    For the girls: Don’t ever feel like you owe someone sex. As a guy, I can tell you that get sex that is “owed” is pretty awful and not fun for anyone, unless you’re keeping a running tally and you’re into that sort of thing. You also need to talk it out. Tell your boyfriend exactly what bothers you about him watching porn. Discuss with him what you feel like is going through his head and allow him to let you in and guide you through his thoughts, it may be more enlightening than you could imagine. If, in the end, you can’t talk it out you should consider that you just aren’t compatible in that respect. There is nothing wrong with that, these things happen.
    For everyone: trust and communication is key. If you can’t talk about something, porn or otherwise, there’s a problem. If you can’t trust your SO, porn or otherwise, there’s a problem. And those problems aren’t with the porn or otherwise, its with the relationship and the people in it. If your husband/wife has been watching porn behind your back and was lying about it when you agreed it was off the table, it wasn’t porn that wreaked the trust, it was your husband/wifes inability to be honest.

    So Anna, I thoroughly respect your points, aside from the tone of a few, and you are entitled to your beliefs. I especially agree with your last one. Porn isn’t for everyone and can just be weird and seem unnatural to some. If that’s the case for you then alright, if we start dating and I care enough about you, then its gone, no second thoughts. But that’s just me. Saying that all men should be like me would be like saying all women should be like that one girl we all knew in college who loved porn and couldn’t keep a boyfriend cause she kept getting bored. Saying anyone should be any particular way just because you want them to be is just kind of silly if you ask me. There are of course obvious exceptions, in the case of a long term committed marriage where both parities have to work together if they want to make it work. But having to have substantial change in a relationship to keep it together isn’t really keeping it together, but that is a whole other blog and subject entirely (note: porn is not being referred to as a substantial change).

    I hope you will agree with me on at least some of this and I thoroughly expect it to be ripped apart by someone. Until then, I bid you all a very merry almost Christmas!

    • Marshall,

      Your in-depth commentary and analysis is much appreciated, and you make some very solid points. You’ve given me some things to work on, and I’ll definitely try to be more careful about sweeping generalizations. No, all men definitely aren’t alike, and most often I say “men” for the general expediency it allows in discussing a point—NOT because I’m trying to absolutely define male behavior(s). Maybe it’s an error on my part to assume that people know/acknowledge/realize that. Totally open to suggestions on how to improve.

      To your other points:
      – That’s an interesting anecdote re: realizing it was that the woman wasn’t right for you, not necessarily the porn. I do worry, though, that more often it’s the other way around (people think there’s a problem with their SO, but really the secret saboteur is porn).

      – At it’s most basic, the idea behind #9 is not that men want women to look totally like porn stars, it’s that porn can lead to unrealistic expectations about what is normal or sexy. Women who make a career of performing sex acts on camera will do all sorts of things that the average woman does not, and IMO, should not be expected to do. Brazilian waxing, anal bleaching, breast implants, collagen injections, etc. Many men don’t realize that what they see is a result of extreme measures. So, even if you see “porn stars” in general as unappealing, it’s very likely that certain aspects of their appearance influence your perceptions of women. Age, for example, is an interesting one. Porn would have you believe that sexy only exists up to age 30. The average age of a woman who stars in porn as a “MILF” is 26. This is unrealistic.

      As for your personally directed comments, no, the primary concern is not being “left” or anything along those lines. More frightening is the prospect of being in an unhealthy relationship. In my experience, someone who relies too much on pornography for sexual stimulation will inevitably bring that into the bedroom. It’s not that men will leave us as girlfriends/wives, it’s that their habit has a powerful influence on sexual satisfaction, interests, and behaviors, which in turn, influences the relationship and overall wellbeing.

      Hope that’s an adequate response to your concerns, and whatever led you to this post in the first place! To address some points that I’ve left out, I strongly suggest that you read this write-up (not by me, but by Ana Bridges) in it’s entirety:

      http://www.socialcostsofpornography.com/Bridges_Pornographys_Effect_on_Interpersonal_Relationships.pdf

      – Anna

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  48. Pornography–like anything else–is not a monolithic entity. Sexually explicit material comes in many forms. While both I and my wife enjoy watching “porn” together, I do agree that substantial segments of the porn industry create material that depicts men exploiting women for their own pleasure–completely disregarding the pleasure of the woman. There’s plenty to be said about bad porn without lumping all sexually explicit material together. A question for you … Is there any such thing as “good” sexually explicit material? Or is anything that’s sexually explicit, “bad”? And, what is the difference between good sexually explicit material and bad sexually explicit material?

    There are lots of people that are pro-women, against the exploitation of anyone and consider themselves “sex positive”. When you lump all sexually explicit content together, you are likely to hear critiques from many folks that might otherwise think you had some good points.

    I see what you are saying about the following quote:
    ———————————————————————————–
    Women know that if the man doesn’t value them in this regard, there isn’t much they can do to engage his attention in other spheres. This isn’t about power or the battle of the sexes. It’s about being human and wanting to feel needed.
    ————————————————————————————
    And I think you’re right that many women feel this way. I just disagree with the premise. One of the biggest problems in relationships is that people trade across different “economies”. There are 3 basic economies in relationships.
    1. Material exchange. Money. Goods. Physical labor (chores)
    2. Emotional Support. Active listening, spending time with someone, being emotionally supportive.
    3. Sexual intimacy.

    The place where many relationships run aground is when people are deficient in one area and attempt to make up for it by trading in another area. A stable relationship is balanced in all 3 areas.

    I don’t think its a good idea for women to be trying to engage men in other spheres in return for sex. People should trade sex for sex, emotional support for emotional support and material support for material support. Anything else is bound to end up in confusion and hurt feelings.

    • I think finding truly “good sexually explicit material” is extremely rare. Extremely. If it’s not objectifying women for their performance, it’s objectifying women based on age and/or looks. Finding something that is actually mutually healthy, equal and happy in sexual depictions is like looking for the golden egg.

      And the kind of porn that seems to dominate the industry tells me that men have exactly the kind of porn they want. They are not interested in truly healthy, more equal, “good sexually explicit material”. And that’s the part that makes me sad. It’s bad enough that it’s become normalized to see women spit on, hit or choked in porn. I remember the first time I heard about that I was shocked. Now even I’m like “yeah whatever”. I don’t even batt an eyelash when I hear people talk about it. Porn has hugely desentizlied our societies approach to sex. Men like to believe that porn gives them freedom of fantasy. I simply think porn is trading in one kind of bondage for another. But men are so focused on teh bright distraction shiney-ness of porn, they don’t even stop to think how it’s affectiong them.

      It’s bad enough that such things are justified as long as we say it’s our “fantasy”. But what we don’t want to admit to ourselves is that porn is a reflection of what men truly want. And what men truly want is apparently women who have no feelings, emotions or thoughts except to think about how best to please a man, what next she can do with her body to pleace him either by physical action or surgery, what she can do to perform for him and how thin, white, young, big breasted women are the ideal. Women in porn hardly ever age because men don’t value women as they age. Men of all body sizes and ages can be found having sex with goregous young women because whether a man is 18 or 55, he still wants to sleep with a 21 year old. And his contemporiaries? What is she suppose to do? Dry up and die? Maybe that would make men happy if women dried up and died after a certain age so they could enjoy all the “young” women. Sure seems like that is what men would like.

      • You’ve voiced some very important, very true issues presented by porn. I can’t say I haven’t wondered the same things, and felt very disturbed by the implications of popular media. From my relationships, though, I’d say that deep down men *don’t* want a sexual slave who never ages. They’re people, too, and they want emotionally and intellectually engaging partners. (In lieu of that, though, yes, they’ll take the big-breasted co-ed.) The worrisome thing that seems to be happening in society is that people are being *taught* to want certain things. We’re constantly being shaped by consumer culture, and recently, the message is that women “expire” at a certain age. Anyone who argues that culture doesn’t shape that kind of belief is kidding themselves, and a quick glance around the globe makes it clear that men can be raised to respect or NOT respect women as equals.

        This may be of little comfort, but perhaps it’s not that deep down all men want to hit, spit, and humiliate women so much as humans just tend to push and twist everything as far as they can take it. We push boundaries all the time, in science, in sports, in whatever we touch. Another discussion for another day, but people have abused all the good things in modern existence. We took fire and made it a weapon, written word and made it slander and propaganda, medicine and made it an addiction. Porn is an abuse of a good thing (sexual freedoms, in part), just like a the weapons for hunting and providing food are now used to antagonize and kill people. The genie is out of the bottle, though, so now all we can do is unite as a society and try for damage control.

        You should check out stuff like “MakeLoveNotPorn.” It’s a site that tries to counter the unpartnered, unrealistic ideals that most porn implies.

        • Ah, so you like MakeLoveNotPorn? That is a pretty good site, a useful alternative for those that dislike professional type porn.

    • That’s a great point about the different kinds of sexually explicit material. Certainly there are some kinds that seem “better” or “worse” than others, but I wouldn’t know how to go about quantifying that (?) in general. Saw a clip of Cirque de Soleil’s “Zumanity” the other day, it was erotic but really… Artistic. That type of thing, where athletes perform tasteful and well thought out routines, seems like a much healthier fantasy realm than a poorly lit rendition of “Babysitter bangs horny dad.” But that’s just my opinion.

      I disagree with you that “People should trade sex for sex, emotional support for emotional support and material support for material support. Anything else is bound to end up in confusion and hurt feelings.” Thinking that we’re trying to “trade” anything makes it sound like we’ve got to keep score somewhere along the way, and that model usually leaves everyone feeling jilted. The reality is that men/ women and individuals value each sphere differently. Women are often happy to indulge a SO’s sexual desires because of the emotional support they provide, and men seem pretty cool with that!!

      Overall I think you missed the intended point — I meant that a man who doesn’t have sexual interest in his partner probably won’t have interest in her in other ways, either. Same goes for women. If you’re not sexually invested in someone, that someone isn’t distinct as a romantic partner. They might as well be a colleague or friend. We need our lovers to lust for us, maybe not 100% exclusively of course, but having that lust diverted 1,000 different ways online hurts the relationship.

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  50. Although I think there is also a list of many more sinister reasons that I don’t like porn, the article represents how I feel. I would like to add though that I have spoken to an alarming number of women who participate in porn with their partners. I think it’s the old ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’ response. They seem to think this participation is key to keeping the whole thing in check. My response? Dream on ladies, it is an addiction and we all know how that rolls. You’ll just need more and more to satisfy. I say this – don’t open that door because beyond it lives a monster.

    • Anna, I have to say, this was one of the best posts I’ve read about this topic. I’m one of those women that’s almost always up for sex but my husband still looks at porn. I tried everything, I watched with him, I tried things he watched in the videos, I sent him pics and videos hoping that it would be good enough, but it never was, he still lied to my face and acted like it wasn’t a problem and it kills me. I love my husband so much that if I was doing something that caused him so much unhappiness I would stop but he can’t stop looking at porn for me? I get that some women are fine with their men watching porn, that’s fine and there’s no problem with that, but there are also women who are not okay with it and men need to respect that. Thank you for your post, I’ll definitely be sharing.

      • Hi Jess,
        Really glad you liked the post and found it helpful, even if for no other reason than just knowing you’re not alone on this issue. Your husband might not realize he has a problem (or understand that it being a problem for you should qualify), and sometimes the most you can do is calmly voice your concerns and hope he comes around. If you start noticing that things are escalating (eg he can’t get an erection anymore, gets rougher or acts in away that concerns you in the bedroom), I suggest quietly pointing him towards sites like Your brain on porn. Something about hearing from other men seems to have a more forceful impact :\

  51. I don’t believe anyone has mentioned, how intensely women are consumed with appearance. Then seem to be somewhat upset that men are turned on by the appearance of women in porn. Yes, it’s an unreal standard, but it’s fantasy and isn’t that the definition of fantasy. Men think about sex on average every eighteen seconds, women can claim they understand a man’s sex drive, but the reality is they just can’t. If a man is not meeting his woman’s needs because of too much porn then that is a reasonable complaint, but to be upset about a man having a sexual fantasy life, doesn’t seem reasonable. Especially, if a man is using it as a release of a physical need. I don’t see the difference between masturbation and masturbating to porn. It’s easy for women to say, “just ask me,” but the reality is it’s not that simple and quick as masturbating. I wish, I had time to go point by point of the article. But to complain about what ninety percent of men find sexy seems a little disingenuous, it really can appear as women don’t like men, when they are upset about something such a high percentage of men find sexy. I believe there is a difference between what attracts me to a partner and what what attracts me to an unemotional act of sex. I do believe it’s possible to have a healthy sex life with a partner and still have a sexual fantasy life. Women are attracted to money, as that is security and safety in today’s world, that strength and brawn use to provide in a more primitive world. I find that a little gross but don’t hold it against women or my partners. Just because you don’t get it, understand it, or find it gross doesn’t make it wrong.

      • Women become preoccupied with appearance because society reinforces the message that women’s looks and sexuality are everything. Commercials and ads remind women that they don’t measure up. Breast implants and labiaplasties are common now. Men were interviewed in labisplasty documentary saying that they expect women to look like porn with no hair and to have a certain labia shape. And an earlier comment that said that women make a lot more than men in porn is not true. There is much documentation on how little a lot of women make. If porn acting was such a great job, then men would be clamoring to do it. It’s obviousky not. MOst men wouldn’t let themselves be objectified like that.

    • I’ve given this issue a lot of thought over the years because it’s been such a sore spot for me. I’ve begun to wonder if one reason this bothers me so much is because I have been expected to suppress my own sexual desires. Good girls in our world are expected to only have sex with men we love. The idea of letting my sexual thoughts and feelings run wild is not a concept that has not been nurtured in women the way it has for men. Another issue for me is the porn itself. It’s really hard to watch porn when I know how fake it is. I can’t help feeling that the women are letting their sexuality be high jacked. Yes it can be arousing but that doesn’t make it healthy or morally comfortable. I recently read an article about an actress who didn’t want to do a nude scene in a mainstream movie but was talked into it because the scene needed it to be “real”. Of course the male actor didn’t have to be nude to authenticate the scene. Since women are the other half of the sex act equation shouldn’t they feel good about what they are doing? Very few men would seriously want their daughters to grow up to be sex workers. There is a real double standard here. I must disclose that I do not like most reality shows or talk shows like Jerry Springer. I don’t watch graphic violent scenes in movies or horror movies either. I realize there is a huge audience for that type of entertainment but that doesn’t make it any more palatable to me. I wouldn’t be happy with a man who enjoyed that type of entertainment anymore than a man who refused to consider any downsides of porn. I’ve met plenty men who “get it” about why some women don’t like porn and I now realize that I don’t have to settle for a man who believes he won’t be content without it. I am sorry for all of the women that are currently in love with a porn head. You are in a very tough spot with no easy solution. You will have to accept it or get out because he just won’t stop.

      • “It’s really hard to watch porn when I know how fake it is. I can’t help feeling that the women are letting their sexuality be high jacked.” YES. You’re spot on with this statement. Women tend to be savvy detectors of social cues, and that definitely contributes to their uncomfortable (even sad) view of what goes on in porn. Interestingly, I’ve heard from various men that they prefer the movies when the woman is ‘really into it,’ and dislike obviously faked enjoyment. Of course, who knows if they’re making accurate judgments in this regard.

        “I’ve met plenty men who “get it” about why some women don’t like porn and I now realize that I don’t have to settle for a man who believes he won’t be content without it. I am sorry for all of the women that are currently in love with a porn head. You are in a very tough spot with no easy solution. You will have to accept it or get out because he just won’t stop.”
        Thanks for your wisdom and encouragement. I think you’re right, but I think it’s still a challenge!

    • You make some solid points, and yes, I agree that sometimes people can have a healthy relationship with their partners and porn. Unfortunately, that line seems to get very blurry very quickly. And I say that not just from the female standpoint — it’s from what I’ve read/heard/seen from men (e.g., comments below illustrate men who were surprised to find their habit was out of hand).

      Also, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with defining what we think is “gross” or “wrong.” Sure, there are times that social norms need to shift (e.g. no longer considering homosexuality an “illness” or crime), but we still need to stand strong on others (e.g. condemning rape or pedophilia). Without going into a full-blown philosophical discussion, I’ll assume that even if a 2014 survey found that a significant number of men found rape or sexual coercion of 8 year olds attractive, we wouldn’t chalk it up to physical need and majority rule. Somewhat along those same lines, being disturbed that a partner’s porn viewing habits have escalated from couples to BDSM transsexual gang-bangs, or that they center on “Barely Legal” teens who are the same age as your daughter… Yeah, for women in relationships, that’s a legit thing to be bothered by IMO.

  52. I’m so glad my wife and I (23 years married and counting) are in an stable, open relationship with no so-called moral boundaries. Good luck the rest of you!

    • Glad you’ve found something that works for you. But, not everyone would find the absence of “so-called moral boundaries” to be the intimate ideal.

    • Not sure if this was sarcastic or something else? For the record, I didn’t mean to imply that men think about sex 98% of the time. I meant that we can only guess what men are thinking about 98% of the time, i.e. we can’t read minds.

  53. I loved this article. My boyfriend and I have had an ongoing debate about this topic.but whenever i try to collect my thoughts as to why i don’t like it, i get so flustered! but this really helped me get my point. while i can not force him to change his view on it, he believes its harmless and its not like he’s out doing his real nurse, he can understand how it makes me feel and makes an effort to clear browser history. I am not against him watching on occasion, and on occasion ill watch with him( a little role-play ideas never hurt) ;) I think its okay to get a better understanding of the things that turn him on. within reason. however, i have hammered into his head that I AM NOT a pornstar, I’m 100% real. and being treated like a sex object is the deal breaker for me. sex is an intimate thing for women, at least for this one, i have a very difficult time separating emotions and sex. i need to experience the connection in order to get the satisfaction.

    • Glad you liked the post! And it sounds like you have a very level-headed, self-aware approach to the issues. Your husband is lucky to have you :)

  54. There is a bigger problem here and porn is just at the door of this issue. This has to be dealt with before porn. Its marriage and relationships between men and women and how it is fundamentally irrelevant today (at least to many). M & R not being fulfilling nor useful to men anymore and it has been on the decline for several decades now, before the internet and explosion of porn. Women today want different things than she did in the past few decades. Today with women dominating the social sciences arena and influencing political will and destroying men in divorces, the distortion and the reality of Intimate Partner Violence and Child Abuse etc. Men are slowly realizing that women have changed and more so that society have changed toward men. so in their minds relationships with women are not worthwhile and are wrought with risk compared to their grandparents. The internet, porn gaming, (and other things) provide outlets for men who are disgusted at the double standards of society and wont touch marriage. Stories about men falsely accused, having to pay abusive women for the rest of their lives, or forced to mind children that they did not father or even never getting to see their children are now fully engrained in the minds of young men contemplating marriage. In many societies men (and women) are resorting to asexuality.
    There is a trend in many of the social sciences – that attack these facilities that give men an outlet so they are not lonely and so that they can live fulfilling lives without being married or committed to a woman that no longer seem viable.I fully believe that this is the aim of outfits like yourbrainonporn etc that want to bring men back to women.

    Personally i believe that feminism happened, women became entitled, technology gave men a temporary solution to these issues and in the long run societal norms are going to have to change to change to adapt to these shifts and its coming. It will have to change because, the technology will continue to devalue sex with women. If women think that they cannot compete with porn today, just wait until all of the human senses are fully replicated through technology.

    • Your comment conveys a really negative view of women, one that I’m not sure is merited. Actually, I AM sure it’s not merited. You seem to be saying that women “influencing political will” and becoming “entitled” (entitled to what? the same treatment as men?) is a bad thing that’s ruining society. Even if you’ve heard anecdotes of “men falsely accused,” that by no means condemns the whole system. And what is this about men who are “forced to mind children that they did not father”? You mean like… when men willingly get involved with women who have children from a previous marriage, they can’t just kick the kids to the curb or something?!

      “There is a trend in many of the social sciences – that attack these facilities that give men an outlet so they are not lonely and so that they can live fulfilling lives without being married or committed to a woman that no longer seem viable.I fully believe that this is the aim of outfits like yourbrainonporn etc that want to bring men back to women.”
      … a) I don’t know many (or any) men who are less lonely due to porn. In fact, it seems to make them feel worse in the long term.
      b) YBOP is about the scientific research on pornography. It’s not a secret female conspiracy.

      • in most cases women equal to men works but the treatment is always better easier, less work. america and many other countries is paved with blood and sweat of men who did 9-5’s to earn for their family women only with recent years have begun to understand how hard it is to feel what men have been dealing with for a very long time. no one says they cant do it. men certainly welcome them to but its bitter sweet for a woman come in after all the hard work is done then just try to claim we did it together. thats vien yes but alot of women do it. not accusing you of doing it but keep in mind that men and women take path of least resistance and women have alot more paths of least resistance..

  55. I really don’t think porn is harmless or victimless but we can debate this for hours and people will disagree. I really doubt that women like Brittany enjoy the level of intimacy they desire in relationships with men who can’t think of any downsides to porn. A second grader can see that porn reduces women to objects. I think it’s sad that she watches porn to see what turns her boyfriend on. It’s so fake and staged. The women service the men. If women made porn it would look nothing like it does now. I want a man who can tell me and show me what I do to turn him on. And really aren’t men already turned on? Isn’t that what this is all about? Meeting the insatiable needs of men? It’s women who need to be stimulated sexually so that we will desire men more. Look at the animal kingdom. It’s the males who have beautiful plumage, manes, antlers, etc. It’s the males who entice the females. We humans have it backward. Porn makes a lot of money exploiting the unmet needs of human males. In the end it’s a poor substitute that leaves them unsatisfied physically and emotionally because it creates a barrier between trust and intimacy. There is a sub redditt called pornfree on reddit that I invite women to read. It will restore your faith in men. There are 27,000 men there who came to the realization that porn was stealing their humanity. It is inspiring.

  56. Maybe devaluing sex is a good thing. The planet is over populated. Japanese men are not interested in coupling because their needs are met by technology. Women are very social so we get our needs meet through our girlfriends. I was a young woman in the 70s & 80s and it sucked. Porn was around the as well as strip clubs. You couldn’t see a movie without gratuitous female nudity. Most sitcoms revolved around some horny guy manipulating girls into having sex with him. There are no good old days except in people’s imaginations. I was sexually harassed, lied to, cheated on and expected to stay home with the baby while my husband catted around with his other married buddies. Maybe things will never be good between men and women. Maybe men will continue to have to get their needs met by emotional unavailable women who just want their money. I guarantee you that women will never be the mindless, robotic, needless characters that men who love porn seem to prefer.

  57. Yes I loved this. Someone gets it. My husband and i are on rocky ground. I’m devastated. So sick of ppl saying oh it must be ur self esteem. I mean really!? Duh! Of course I have low self esteem! I’ve had four children! So you need to look at porn to ruin my self esteem further? Did u “need” it that badly? Self esteem issues and I have depression. Triggering my depression and seeing me hurt that badly was worth it??? Oh u need me? How much do u need me? More, less, or just as much as porn? Hope that load was truely worth it. And every load after it reminds you of how badly u hurt me! Cept it won’t.. y??? Cuz you’ll be thinking of the ladies in porn

  58. I’m a woman, I don’t mind my guy watching porn at all. It’s a great place to get your manly libido going. the problem for me is when my husband thinks that just because I don’t mind him watching it he thinks that I should “share the experience”. If he’s watching a shower scene he’ll call me over and expect me to be interested. Porn isn’t even remotely designed for women, so expecting us to take the same interest is just unfathomable.

    • This is exactly the reason some women don’t like porn. We don’t want to be reduced to sex toys. Whenever I see women sexualized I get this creepy feeling in my groin. Almost like I’m being violated. I see that crap served up to men and wonder if I’m going to have to defend myself against my guy wanting me to reduce myself to a porn star. For the life of me I don’t get why men need to stoke their libidos at all. It seems to me that their motor is always running and gets revved up rather easily.

      I’ve heard people accuse women of being insecure when they don’t like their man watching porn. But I always have the opposite reaction. When I hear about a woman who doesn’t mind I think she must not have good self esteem. To me she is a woman who accepts her place as subordinate to men’s desires and is willing to be part of his harem. She is just a convenient vagina when he can’t obtain all the others he feels entitled to. How did we ever come to think female bodies should be bought and paid for? If you do a web search of behind the scenes porn shoots it will make you sick.

  59. You can’t decide what people do, simple as that. Same thing as a woman wearing makeup and spending 2 hours in the bathroom. I say… its unhealthy. It won’t work in your relationship, because how can a guy get to know you while you are hiding behind a mask? He will find out who you are anyway eventually… I say… people are phony… and this article is no exception. You are against porn and I respect your point of view, but unfortunately, men watch porn and they don’t do it to please anyone… other than themselves… Where is the line that they can’t? They don’t cross a line. We are programmed by society to not be sexual… while humans are sexual… it’s just the way it is… it’s just the voice in your head saying it is bad…because you are afraid someone might not like you… as a man I can assure you… He wouldn’t be with you if you couldn’t give him the cookie… so don’t worry about it… If he’s still there… you are doing it right to some point… I can assure you.

    • If he’s still here I don’t have to worry? Really? Maybe he’s just too lazy and lacks the confidence to go get the woman he really wants. That’s supposed to be some comfort to me? That he’s settled for me because I give him easy access to sex? No thanks I don’t want him. I’m turning him loose because he is no prize.

    • Sorry, don’t wanna bitch. But c’mon, use your noggin! Women wearing makeup ain’t hurting you in any way. This article explains why women are slightly hurt and bewildered by men’s porn habits. We have ALL Dealt with men not wanting to have sex cause he wanked it recently. We have all felt the pressure to look like Barbie.
      Men do not need to stop watching porn, but they do need to be more sympathetic/understanding to why we feel against it.

  60. I really love this and I think men can understand this. I read a few articles on why men like porn and I thought, “gee there needs to be a ‘why women don’t like poem’ article!” So thanks :) you’re awesome

  61. Interesting article.
    Speaking for myself as a straight guy, I actually don’t have much interest in porn and rarely watch it – but I do masturbate all the time to other content that is more related to my fetish.
    I have in fact found it often difficult to get it up and cum in ‘real life’ and think it has much to do with my masturbation ‘addiction’.
    Despite knowing that though I haven’t stopped masturbating. In my view, this is at least partly due to the fact that it’s quite difficult for me and most guys to get laid in ‘real life’ by attractive women. Despite having good looks and a good job, I’ve found it a struggle to have much success with any women I’d consider as attractive or more so than I am. Thus, when I compare, all the time and money spent on going out, online dating, going on actual dates — and often to no avail VS a couple of clicks with guaranteed orgasm, masturbation wins.

    Having said that, it’s tempting to conclude that in our current society, men and women are doomed to be unhappy with each other.
    This is because we’re both bombarded by endless content displaying idealized next-to-impossible to reach models that the opposite sex is in search for. Then in real life, we all have to ‘settle’ for someone we perceive as less. I’m sure this doesn’t apply to everyone but I suspect it applies to many if not the majority.

    Arguably, one solution is for the culture to change whereby everyone just masturbates on their own – and that’s considered normal. And people continue to have platonic relationships if they’re inclined to. And for that state of being to be seen as normal. From what I hear, something of the sort is starting to happen in Japan. Perhaps we will follow.

    • Solid points, and I definitely agree that “we’re both bombarded by endless content displaying idealized next-to-impossible to reach models that the opposite sex is in search for. Then in real life, we all have to ‘settle’ for someone we perceive as less. I’m sure this doesn’t apply to everyone but I suspect it applies to many if not the majority.”
      Seems a LOT of people have such a warped bar that everyone they encounter in real life would be “settling.”

      We might wind up with a porn and masturbation norm. My guess would be that we’ll see a boom in tech trends like sex dolls (which, is arguably still just masturbation). It’ll be interesting to see if dissolving the “nuclear family” and romantic partnerships actually makes people happier in the long term.

  62. Heh I should really stop reading posts like these.

    I am an avid porn watcher. I usually watch it about once a day, sometimes more. Yet I don’t find porn stars attractive. I don’t find the things they do overly attractive. It just gets me off. But when I see a girl I like in real life, she becomes one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Porn couldn’t possibly compare to her. For me, and I had assumed other guys as well, emotions do come into it. If I weren’t interested in waking up with you in the morning and see you smiling next to me, I wouldn’t have sex with you to begin with. What makes sex wonderful is the partner. I’ve recently discovered what it feels like to really admire and respect someone that I am interested in. The sheer amount of attraction I feel because of that is staggering. I honestly don’t know what to do with it all. I guess you can stop hoping for guys to bring emotion into it, at least with me you can.

    I tend to get very frustrated with posts like this. No offense meant to you, but I have heard a lot of this before. I do agree with several of your points and thoroughly understand why girls would have a problem with their guys watching porn. But so many of your complaints don’t tend to apply to me. In the paragraph above I mentioned that emotions play a massive part in sex for me, and all of my friends whom all watch porn. You mention sex being a two way street. I agree entirely. I often sit around thinking of ways to drive a girl crazy. Just little ways I could tease her and just get her a hair sexually frustrated in the morning and then hopefully get a return on that investment when we get home (poor choice of words, I just can’t think of another way to say it right now). And even things just before sex, ways I can touch her and things I can tell her to make her moan and happy.

    I would argue that you can win against porn. (I realize I’m responding to them backwards, I keep scrolling back up to remind myself what they were and I get to the bottom ones first). Emotions play a huge part in it for me and most of my friends. Porn has no emotions, and if they try it’s so fake it hurts. One of the most satisfying parts of sex is falling asleep next to a girl you love and waking up next to her in the morning (and possibly going again :P).

    I will certainly agree that it gives most men the wrong idea of what works. But I’ve found that there is a great way of figuring out what actually does: asking. Asking is fairly fool proof. Asking and trying new things. I know full well that gentle touches and carresses will get me much further than “Hey slut wanna fuck?” Though in complete fairness I do know some girls that would be moderately turned on by that. But as mentioned before, I love fantacizing about different ways to (actually) turn a girl on. The subject is almost always the girl I have feelings for at the time, so it’s motivated by good intentions.

    I wouldn’t want you to look like porn stars either. Too much make up (takes waaaaayyyy too long in the bathroom), too much plastic, and just odd looking besides. In my experience, the most attractive girls I ever see are the ones I see in bed next to me with the rising sun gently splashing their hair with a soft golden light. No matter how good the light is, porn stars will never look like that.

    And, not gonna lie, a lot of the premises are very strange. But sometimes that little bit of strangeness can be fun. Just look at the couples that like doing dress up sex stuff. And furies. Oh god the furies. That is all.

    As I mentioned at the top, I really should stop reading these types of posts. Men get such a bad rap for sexuality and it really puts me down. I used to be rather miserable because of the image of men things like this gave me. But then I grew up and stopped caring what others thought of me.

    So I guess that’s all I’ve really got to say. I wanted to just kinda pop up and let you know that not all guys are like that (though I’m sure you were already aware). I’m looking forward to hearing your response, and I hope you have a good day!

  63. Alright this is the dummest shit ive ever seen in my life, i quit porn like 2 months ago, last time i got laid was never. These fucking girls dont understand how hard it is for a guy to get laid.

  64. Sometimes it’s about selfish self pleasure without all the work, we can focus on us, we can take as long or as short as we want without someone either tapping their fingers or screaming slow down.

    Don’t get me wrong we LIVE to pleasure you, we love lavishing you with attention and will belly crawl over hot coals to help you get the big O but it is a lot of work, especially with women who don’t communicate well or expect men to be mind readers.

    It can be down right painful being with someone who has no clue how to orgasm on her own let alone help guide someone else.

    When we hang with ourselves, there is no pressure, it always goes according plan and no one is rating our performance.

    I personally think that guys have joked about male masturbation enough that it doesn’t have a crippling effect, we’ll admit to doing it, laugh about it and we accept that other guys do it, we own it.

    I don’t think women have reached that same point yet, mostly because everyone wants to control a woman’s sexuality, its been externally control for so long in our patriarchal society. Fathers are seen as the gate keepers, until they pass that duty onto a man they approve of. Men decide what is sexy, men pursue women, they initiate sex. Everyone discourages women from owning their own sexuality.Men have owned the whole process for a very long time. Ladies you have to take some ownership, when you do not only will the sex greatly improve but you’ll be doing your part to actually make society equal for everyone. Go, rub one out, let go of your guilt and shame own your O and share it with your partner instead of hoping the finally figure out how to give you “the gift”.

  65. I am a red blooded, 6’4″ Englishman. Married, a proud father to a beautiful little boy and girl and I think this is one of the most intelligent articles on our culture’s addiction to porn that I’ve read. I would not pass laws to make porn illegal but…..let’s face it…… porn is a mental, marital and spiritual pollutant. Given the brain’s plasticity and the neural activity going on in our brains’ “sex centres” – the potential for becoming a very twisted, perverted creep is enormous. And I don’t know about you but I hate it when that happens ;-)

    If you focus on being attractive to your Mrs, and an attractive manly man in general you won’t have any time for porn anyway because she’ll be offering you way too much real sex.

  66. I agree with James.

    Also, I think many men who champion for porn want to be virile and unconsciously believe they are ‘gathering’ these women they watch. They are powerless to the image of the eroticised female and seek to control what they can’t control (their need for the female form) through having the fantasies around dominance. The hot female image ‘allows’ him the opportunity to watch her which he could never earn in real life. This enables him to feel virile as though he has won the prize, whereas it is an illusion – he has won nothing, he has just given in to a biological urge over an image which wields enormous power over him. Some men even grade women as worthy or not or whatever to fool themselves into believing they are somewhat alpha (due to the make believe gathering they have been doing) when they know they are not because in reality these women would not even smile back at them let alone show them their goods.

    I think many porn watching men are fiercely defensive about their viewing because it threatens their fantasy that they are alpha virile men with a plethora a women wanting them, giving them permission to see their genitalia which would not happen for them in real life. To have that illusion shattered would be painful. Beautiful women real or imaged have a power and control over a man in a way that he cannot explain but that women know – the stare, the drool etc.

    It upsets women to feel they compete for his attention elsewhere. If he feels he NEEDS this illusion to feel virile what might he do for real? This is primitive too and women wish they didn’t feel this way, feeling powerless to change it.

    Sad state of affairs really. I would hope that some men would be considerate of their partners feelings around this.

  67. This article has a lot of nonsense quotes:

    “Even if we want to believe it’s harmless, a guy with MILF porn on his computer makes us think twice about bringing him home to mom.”

    You spend the whole article belittling men and patronizing them, but this one is funniest. Hurr durr I are man who can’t separate fantasy from reality. Eye-rolling, and not in a good way, like in porn. ;-)

    “We get that there’s temptation, but it would be nice to see some self-restraint, and maybe turning to a healthier (?) option every once in a while.”

    Uh, some self-restraint from having a good time? Masturbating is thoroughly healthy. This is rather a puritan control freak kind of request to make of human beings. Why would you find porn “threatening?” You don’t see articles about why men find dildos unappealing. What if they replace us? The rabbit can do things we can’t! Can’t women get healthier sex and show some self-restraint?

    Rather, the only legitimate reason I see in this article is that kids growing up watching porn will get the wrong idea about how sex is supposed to work, and that they’ll become desensitized to normal sex.

    Addressing the first item, yes, I think it does give an impression. My girlfriends have always tried to do “impressive” “no hands” deep throat blowjobs like in porn that have never really been something I enjoy. I don’t know whether it’s worse than no porn, however. At least porn is sex positive, and the variety is presented to you.

    However, I don’t think any men or women watch porn and go away thinking that deepthroats, double penetration, anal, salad tossing, eating her out, etc are normal components of or have to be part of sex. It’s true that it gives people ideas, but I don’t see anything wrong with that.

    Regarding the latter that people will look for weirder and more and more extreme porn, I think that’s only the case for a short while and applies to teenagers. We all go through a phase of looking up weirder stuff because it’s extreme, or taboo, or weird or novel.

    But consider this: more and more people are looking for amateur porn, thanks to the Internet. You know why? Because that’s real. Oddly enough, fake plastic women kissing eachother wearing nothing but high heels and fake orgasming when getting double penetrated by two elephant penised men is not the most satisfying porn out there. It’s the Lady Gaga of porn. Pop culture porn. Kids like it. What do they search once that’s over? They go back to the basics, show me real people fucking and having a good time. It’s the same with most teenage things. Most people grow out of their goth phase.

    Here’s a porn video: http://www.spankwire.com/Amateur-Black-Couple-Fucking/video1080047/ It’s a classic, on this site it has no comments, but on others it’s full of people praising the good time they’re having, the nice move of lifting her up as they transition into 69 and then salad tossing. They’re both having a wonderful time and I don’t see a single thing wrong with watching it and/or masturbating to it, if you’re a man or a woman.

    And I don’t accept your premise that “women” don’t like porn. Every woman I’ve been with has watched porn and I know plenty in person and online who chat about it. I don’t like your speaking on behalf of women as if you represent them when it’s clear that you have a very narrow heteronormal view of the sex world.

  68. 10 Totally Legitimate Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Care What Your Man Or Woman Does In Their Spare Time

    The only way I can agree with any of these “totally legitimate reasons” is if and only if it has become an addiction. If not then I don’t see a problem with using additional stimulus while pleasuring yourself. What if you’re a woman that likes porn? Does that make you a hedonistic emotionless psychopath who wishes to strip women of all their humanity ? I think not.

    What if we flip the argument for a second and turn our attention towards sex toys for woman. Y’all have all sorts of amazing 21st century gadgets to stimulate yourselves with. Is using a piece of technology and your imagination really that much different? No one is going to scream bloody murder if you use vibrators, vibrating egg, butt plugs, dildos ect to get yourself off everyday with or without your partner there. Stimulating yourself with other means has been done ever since the dawn of humanity and both genders are guilty of it.

    This article makes men seem like a bunch of brainless oafs who are incapable of maintaining a grip on reality. Just because there are people addicted to porn doesn’t mean that it’s the root of all evil.

    #10 “The premise (schoolgirls, quadruple penetration, public humiliation etc.) is often disconcerting.”

    Having fantasies and fetishes isn’t a crime. How in the world would you have discovered that you like to be covered in honey and spanked with a naked GI Joe? Probably by viewing a video and realising how much it turned you on. Discovering yourself sexually takes research and experimenting. If you’re really frightened about your man going after your mother because he looks at MILF porn then ask him. If he answers in a rational healthy way aka NOT WANTING TO FUCK YOUR MOM, which I feel that most guys would then I fail to see what the problem is.

    #9 “We don’t want to look like porn stars. More Importantly, we don’t want you to want us to look like porn stars. Because WE don’t want to looks like porn stars.”

    Other than the last part of this statement being completely redundant, I’ve never known a guy who has wanted anyone to look like a porn star. If they do and you are actually dating them, perhaps it’s time to find another mate. Also all people that are in porn aren’t “surgically enhanced”, porn stars or even professionally shot for that matter. Amateur porn, because some people like to see themselves bumping uglies and or share their experiences with open minded people.

    #8 “It gives men the wrong idea about what works in bed.”

    I find the best cure for ignorance is to never be “left thinking” anything and to communicate the pace at witch you enjoy intercourse. I learned to become very deft with tongue, fingers and thrusting through porn observation and then translated them to a girl. Hell, give him a crash course in cunnilingus and foreplay where he has to make you come X amount of times before he can get anywhere close to your Yoni with his purple headed warrior. You’ll both have fun, he will learn something valuable and you’ll find out just how dedicated of a human being he is. There isn’t anything “awkward” about explaining what your man is doing “wrong” to him if you truly wish to be pleasured. Sex education isn’t taught properly in most peoples upbringing, time for you to become to teacher with benefits.

    #7 “98% of the time, we can only guess at what men are thinking. But when a man is watching strange women get naked and have sex on-screen… It kind of narrows it down.”

    99.564% of statistics are made up. !!Spoiler alert!! 100% of the time humans can only guess what other humans are thinking. Saying that every time your man closes his eyes during sex he is thinking of INSERT PORN STAR NAME is absurd. Creating sensory deprivation has always been fun in my experiences, sometimes I’d rather just feel us together than see it. No need to “wonder”, if it bugs you that much once again communication, ask him what he is thinking about and he will probably respond with something raunchy about how hard your making him. If he is the Neanderthal that this article wants to make us out to be then find another cave man who will worship you.

    #6 “We want to be needed, especially in this regard.”

    Just because a man wants to make magical unicorn mayonnaise by himself doesn’t mean you are being “tossed aside”. It’s perfectly healthy to masturbate by yourself no matter how involved you are with another human being. Do you have to have you significant other with you every grocery trip, gym work out, shower, ect? NO, he doesn’t have to have you in the room every time he busts a nut. “When we hear stories about guys who would rather watch a video than do it with his own girlfriend, though, we wonder, “How long until that becomes us?” If you compare every bad thing you’ve ever heard a guy doing to someone else then you’re insecurities won long ago. If he pays more attention to porn than you, then I would suggest joining the ranks of the dating world once more.

    #5 “It’s an uphill battle for us, one that we will realistically never win.”

    Excuse me? I didn’t know the War on Porn was such an arduous and trying hardship for woman kind. “Women can’t compete with porn. We can’t compete with the accessibility, the variety, the endless streaming novelty, none of it.” I could say the same thing about your sex toys to which you would reply, “But it’s not the same!” Well neither is porn to the healthy male mind, it’s just as much of a tool as your double sided dildo. If the man your dating doesn’t have feelings about sleeping with you dump him like the sociopath he is.

    #4 “It gives men a path of least resistance.”

    “To sum up many a male commenter: “Men watch porn because their lady isn’t giving it to them as often as they need.” Or perhaps he doesn’t feel as fulfilled with the sex he is currently receiving and is unsure how to communicate it to you, or he notices that you’re not as fulfilled and feels ashamed, or he has been conditioned through constant rejection and has given up asking or he is uncomfortable talking with you about sex because you want to treat his porn viewing like a witch hunt in the 1400’s, it all boils down to my favourite “c” word COMMUNICATION. Without out it, we would all be too frustrated to even have time to write articles such as these. You’re scared to be vulnerable and share your feelings to us just as much as we are to you.

    #3 “The reasons you give us for watching it are pretty BS”

    I’m sorry, I didn’t realise I had to justify what me and my custard launcher do in our private time. “Stop trying to use a damn biological argument for everything.”. The paragraph then goes on to state that and I quote, “Even if men are visually oriented and seek ‘variety’ in their sexual diet”… Let me stop you right there because I’m pretty sure you just made your #3 statement obsolete by making the “biological argument” for all of man kind. “Ancient man got along just fine” minus all the rape, pillaging, killing and oppressing they did. That combined with the 12,000 year old erotic depictions on cave walls of Creswell Crags in England blows that theory out of the water. I’d continue to tear this paragraph a new one but they already contradicted themselves like the limited time offer McRib sandwich.

    #2 “The alternative suggestions you give are also usually BS, and not helping”

    The same could be said about your “totally” insightful #2 reason. Imagine if you will for a moment that your man is trying to request in the best way they can, albeit not the most eloquent way, that they want to do something taboo with you. Only to have it blown out the air like it was a Nazi Focke-Wulf Ta 183 jet fighter. Now that his balls have been put through the meat grinder you’ll never have to deal with his sexually adventuring side ever again.

    #1 “Umm… we just do, okay?”

    You know the saying, “Save the best for last.”? Well this isn’t it. This sounds like something that a KKK member would say when asked why they hate anyone who isn’t white. If it “vaguely” pisses you off just remember it’s better than being pissed on, unless that’s your thing then PISS AWAY! Just be thankful that your not going out with a complete douche bag chauvinist bigot with borderline personality disorder. But if you look at porn and are male clearly you’re all of the above. If you don’t like it, don’t watch it with him.

    P.S. I shouldn’t have to delete my history because you shouldn’t be invading my privacy, like how I don’t invade yours.

  69. “Modern women sometimes needs a little more coaxing, but we still WANT to be coaxed.” i see something very wrong with the expression. coaxed is an insult to us. we dont want to force or convince youto have sex with us. if we have to coax then we would rather watch porn because your not into it..does that make sense? i understand your point and ive quit porn many times. i stop when i want and start when i want. its never gotten in the way of my relationship. i consider myself kind of asexual but it never stopped me from giving my gf the attention she wanted from me.

    sorry this sounds like a rant but this frustrates me bc of the massive things we do as men to get in relationships and then to stay in relationships. then you want me to give up alternate ways to not walk around moody b/c im horny. we do not enjoy blue balls. we dont want to force or coax you to have sex with us. its not complicated. guys do get jealous but we dont go asking how you want to fuck the mail man. if you want to fuck the mail man than mature men know to leave it alone and let you fantasize all you want.

    relationships are hard and meant to be so. they take work. if you dont like that i or any other guy may watch porn than we need to have sex or find a alternative to porn and same amount of sex so that i dont feel the need. there are not many. progress in relationships almost always starts with women so you communicate a problem we find solutions. you say you dont like this we negotiate and figure it out.

    this to me is unfair b/c alot of women like the idea of ryan gosling but if ryan gosling were actually there then they wouldnt be happy. the fantasy is something they want to maintain. they dont even want to argue with the fantasy over who has control of the remote on sunday football or mother in laws,..most women i know do not want to tarnish the image of the fantasy. guys are very similar.

    the problem of jealousy over porn will not be reached anytime soon b/c it represents change in a relationships and most people do not like certain types of change. instead of getting mad and not talking to us about it then sit down with us and vent. that is the only way you will get your point across clearly. so dont just say it’s nothing…bullshit…just speak your mind. this may not solve the problem but he knows its there and can meet you in the middle.

    • It is a little different for women in that there are gorgeous women in our faces everywhere. You say you don’t ask the wife if she wants the mailman, but women see images of women all around us everyday that men are oogling at. You can’t go to the grocery store without the shelves being lined with women. Or go to the mall without larger than life Victoria’s Secret models in your face and everyone’s head turning. I get reminded everyday how I’m not the “ideal”. It’s easy to tell women to just get over their insecurities, but where’s the compassion that human nature would have anyone get jealous with all that’s thrown at us? You admit that men get jealous too. So you have to realized that it’s human nature. Don’t you think women are being asked to be extra confident. If you had hot men on TV commercials selling everything and being just a thing and eye candy all around and the fact that so many men end up with younger women, don’t you think you’d feel a little insecure? Yes, we have to be strong, but it gets old to know that the young beauty is always the desired one.

    • It’s human nature for males and females to get jealous. Do you have any compassion for the fact that women are constantly bombarded by images of beautiful women all around them every single day? TV commercials, ads, magazines, at the grocery store check out. It gets very exhausting to be reminded that you are not young or perfect or ideal looking. Yes, men have that too, but you have to admit that women have been used to sell things and to be eye candy for a long time. It gets so tiring for women to have to see that all the time. It’s easy to just tell them to be more confident and to get over it, but I guarantee you that if you had to see that all the time, you’d get so sick of being just a shmuck that will never be enough.

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