It’s a fairly common story: Girl meets guy, girl likes guy, girl sleeps with guy, girl never hears from guy again.
And, the epilogue: Girl spends weeks wondering what happened.
Especially among women, one-nighters have a reputation for lacking longevity — hence the name. I’ve heard many lady friends remark that sleeping with him “too soon” was the fatal flaw, and rationales range from guys just like the chase to he probably thinks I’m a slut. (Maybe its cultural, maybe it’s biological, but women aren’t known to lose interest if a man throws down too early.)
Anyway, just like everyone seems to know someone who met their spouse online, it also seems like everyone knows someone whose first-night fling became a serious relationship.
It’s a question that all women ask themselves at some point: Will getting naked ruin the chances of making it more? Perhaps make him doubt my virtue, etc? Or… does it really change anything at all?
Much to my super-nerdy excitement, more than one researcher has studied the impact of hooking up on long-term relations. Much to my disappointment, though, the answers are not a straightforward “Yes, first-date sex is like kryptonite for dating,” or “No, shag at will.” It’s a little trickier than that – But more in First Mates Round II.
To really get into the second half of answering “Does First Date Sex Ruin Everything?” it’s worth saying that most women believe that (at least anecdotally) sex too early is a dating death wish. This is confusing, in light of the message that “Men love/want sex all the time, as often as they can get it.” You would THINK that giving a man exactly what he wants would only make sure the relationship continues. Of course, it can’t ever be that straightforward.
From a woman’s POV, if you knock boots but the guy doesn’t follow-up with a second date (even when it seemed like the first one went great), there are perhaps three possibilities:
1) Sex changed something about the way he evaluated you or the potential for a relationship.
2) He was just looking for sex, so it was game over afterwards.
3) ) He wasn’t that into you and was never going to call back one way or the other, but (being a testosterone infused male) wasn’t going to turn down an opportunity to get laid.
#2 and #3 are distinct because with #2, he may have pursued the “relationship” until getting laid but then walked away regardless. With #3, he wouldn’t have bothered to follow-up one way or the other, and was just pleasantly surprised when sex became a nice bonus to the date.
Remember, these are in the event that he loses interest after the fact. (If he does follow-up, the possibilities are: 1) He likes you, or 2) he wants to have sex again.)
#1 is the probably the only point that might need explanation:
In reality, men and women alike have been known to change their dating evaluations pre- and post-coitus. Especially after a first date, it can change the way we see the other person, and it can change the way we represent ourselves.
- For men, it can (not will always, but can) affect the way they view a woman’s “honor.” It’s old school, but it happens. It’s probably a given to say it, but this doesn’t apply in reverse, i.e. for women’s’ opinions of men — a woman who jumps into bed falls outside the general social expectations, but a man who does the same thing will not register as unusual. We’re raised to think that it’s “just how men are.” (This is slowly changing, though, as women are increasingly acknowledged and accepted as equally sexual beings.)
- It’s also possible that a sexual interaction changes our later behavior. For women, a response to feeling vulnerable and giving it up is (unfortunately) to become more sensitive and clingy. Thus far I’ve tried to avoid the postcoital crazies, but have seen plenty of friends morph into “that girl” after sleeping with someone — They’ll start to text, call, and obsess. They also become sensitive to things that they wouldn’t normally. (Think: Getting super angry when he doesn’t call immediately after work, etc). This can drive away men or any chance of a 2nd date.
- It’s also possible that something about the sex was unappealing. While I’d imagine that women have a hard time being truly “bad” in bed, guy friends have described various turn-offs that kill it for them early on, like a girl who is super self-conscious in the bedroom, or a dead fish, or maybe even too wild between the sheets. (Breaking out the handcuffs and whip cream might be terrific later down the line, but sometimes looking too kinky can make people wonder what in Cleveland else you have up your sleeve.)
To condense the possibilities:
1) Sex decreases chance of a relationship, for any number of reasons.
2) Sex has no impact. When it doesn’t pan out, it’s because the other person just didn’t have interest in a relationship one way or the other. The rejection might feel more salient once a woman has let her guard down since the guy who you sleep with that never calls again stands out far more than the guy you met for a drink, but who didn’t call again.
To be continued…
ROUND II – The Research: Was it sex or was it just you? (or him?)
Where is your research coming from?;)
Sounds like there’s some insinuation in that Q, but to answer literally — that’s why there’s a Part II! I can/will post the citations but the full articles are usually paid or require institutional access
A couple of logic questions/comments:
#1 – That kind of suggests that the responsibility is on the guy to initiate contact after that first date + sex. Looking at it from a different perspective, it may be interpreted that the girl is confident enough to have sex on the first date and, perhaps, the guy is showing deference to that confidence and waiting for her to contact him. (I realize that’s probably not the common way it plays out, but I see it as a valid scenario in some situations. End result: still the same no contact, but both people feeling like the other isn’t interested.
#2 – If a woman subscribes to something you’ve said…
…and still chooses to have sex on the first date, it suggests there’s something wrong with her critical analysis skills. She may be sabotaging herself into that fate by not being able to figure out if a guy is just is looking for one-shot sex or if the guy is really into her.
Very similar sentiments to my number one post for women ‘How to keep a man’.
“It’s ALSO possible that something about the sex was unappealing.”
It’s not that. There’s just a switch that flips in our brains so that we’re either repulsed by the girl or grow strongly attached to her after intimacy. It’s one or the other, and we can’t control it.
http://3rdmilleniummen.wordpress.com/top-10-posts-for-women/
3MM, I believe that switch/psychologcial process you’re talking about is known as the Madonna-Whore Complex. It is a disorder. It is an unhealthy and unrealistic understanding of women and sexuality. I don’t want to speak for Anna but I think you missed her point.
Incorrect. I’m talking about girls putting out too easily after a date or two and men losing interest. Not about losing interest in a marriage or other loving relationship. That’s where love and intimacy should be hand in hand the highest levels possible.
By the way I’m adding this to my number one post for women… I think a lot of the material is excellent.
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I think the obsessing over sex on the first date and other dating rules are our way of wanting to bring order and lessons learned to the chaotic world of dating. We want there to be a reason things didn’t work out and preferably one we can fix in the future – something we can have control over. ‘He’s just not that into you’ or ‘he’s not looking for the same thing you are’ are probably the reason most of the time. It’s just hard to accept because those are out of our control.
You would think psychologically those would be easier to deal with. We’re simply not compatible should be easier to deal with than there is something wrong with me or I did something wrong. I don’t know why so many women, myself included, torture ourselves with the latter.
This line is probably getting old in response to your comments, but as usual…You nailed it. You’re really putting the “reality” in my 3R platform — It’s often about finding an alternative reason when we don’t like the one staring at us. Which, like you said, is a little weird when that alternative is to search for a cause or something wrong when it doesn’t exist.
It kinda comes back to the issue of being more vulnerable after sleeping with someone, too — I’ve noticed that it’s a lot easier to for women (and men) to walk away and say, “Eh, it didn’t work out,” before things get that far.
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I think this is very coolly and rationally argued. Even very modern men, though, can get shaky around the ego if they think you’re too cool around sex. Some guys think that if you’ve had lots of lovers and are keen to jump into bed, you may have lots more lovers in the future, and you’re more likely to judge them harshly in the bedroom.
Re: being “too cool” — Very true! a point worth considering, and unfortunately another one of those *damned if you do* situations. Especially in the context of things like infidelity, women are critiqued for their inability to see it as “just sex,” or harpooned for being too emotional. Yet, a woman who is altogether laid back is viewed just as negatively…
Tis a fine line we all must walk.
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Sweetheart do you really want to understand men, or is this a set-up for a venting session? understandmen.com has all the answers that’s needed.
In my opinion… don’t follow his lead, follow yours. This is your life, create it how you want it. Don’t have sex until he commits to your design. Balls to the wall baby… LOL, if your dream means this much to you, then make it work. If you know he wants sex, don’t give it until he can be straight with you just what his intentions are.
I’m sorry… reading one post after another of women complaining of the incompetence of men, instead of taking charge of their own direction… makes me a little nuts.
Blessings…
Appreciate your input, but I think if you read the Part II, you’d realize this isn’t about venting so much as observing the landscape
certainly not meant to “complain” about the incompetence of men – not exactly sure where you got that. Also, looked at the website you referenced — interesting, potentially informative on some levels, but a bit repetitive re: much of what is already out there (of course, it’s hard NOT to be repetitive, given the high volume of info generated on the topic). When anyone claims to have “all the answers,” though, or lumps men and women into two catchall categories, kinda sounds like a sales pitch more than anything. I’d totally agree that we need to follow our own lead and take responsibility for our actions – acting solely to please someone else usually backfires — but we have to acknowledge that relating inevitably involves two sets of interests!! Getting on a mutually agreeable page is the tricky part…
From a more balanced perspective… My feeling of what is key in any relationship is simply “know thy self”. And I grant you, it takes time and a LOT of experience to learn enough of yourself to know who, when, where, how much… of what works for you. And in learning about yourself, you also learn how to read others.
I’m sorry for loosing my cool a moment ago… so many have a tendency to post about “the problem”, and rarely come up with a solution. You’ve read my site, I do my best to connect to solutions, I see you do as well. There’s so few of us in this twisted mess of emotions, sometimes it’s difficult to see the forest through the trees. And I do apologize for loosing my vision here, do forgive me.
Blessings…