Joining the ranks of cat memes, pterodactyl porn, and Nigerian Princes with free money, there’s a new contender in the Internet content fray: Relationship advice.
On news portals and in pop-up ads, everyone wants to tell you what you’re doing wrong that will wreck your relationship, 10 ways to keep him interested, and the truth about what she really wants in bed. Oh, and how to know if your spouse is cheating.
While these click-magnet headers sound catchy, the articles rarely offer anything of substance. Part of the problem is that they’re regurgitated by so-called “experts” on dating, but what qualifies as expertise is entirely subjective.
If you’re a 12-year-old with a laptop, free time, and half-decent grasp of the English language, consider yourself qualified to give romantic counsel.
It also doesn’t help that relationships provide an endless deluge of subjective drama, and everyone — friends, family, and so-called experts — can’t resist the temptation to toss in two-cents from the outside. Of course, I must admit to being one of these people, and often analyze, write, and borderline pontificate on this blog, in a way that yes, is at times advice-ish. I sincerely hope, however, that there’s a difference in how such musings are represented and the utter BS of many dating columns. (Irony of that new Wizpert button aside, there are no experts here and nothing is for sale and/or being sold.)
It’d be nice if we could sic the FDA on purveyors of bad personal info, but that’s not happening anytime soon. Until then, I’ve noted various offenders whose dating advice is just… awful. Horrifying, really. And, then added a quick note to the perpetrators themselves in case they ever stumble across this blog. Daters, feel free to add, object, or agree!
Who should NOT give dating advice — In my completely non-expert opinion.
TO WOMEN
- Anyone with 100+ failed date notches on their belt.
When someone hits a triple digit value in their search for the one, I’m hesitant to call it “experience” or “expertise.” I think it’s more appropriately called “a reason to hire a therapist.”
Take, for example, the ‘cyber-expert’ Julie Spira, who recounts an alarmingly high number of first dates in her book, The Perils of Cyberdating. By the end of this tragic disclosure, I wasn’t convinced that online dating is perilous so much as that the author is completely nuts. Between her Valet Test (where if a guy doesn’t take her valet ticket and pay for it, he “fails”), alternating over-investment and capricious rejection of men she barely knows, and multiple sketchy, short-lived marriages, the whole thing was a little book of big red flags… about Julie Spira.
To the Gurus: If you’ve reached 100+ dates without successfully finding someone, your approach probably isn’t educated or inspiring. It’s probably just scaring people off and you haven’t noticed it yet. In sharing your “observations” with others, at worst you’ll be perpetuating highly ineffective methods. At best you’re missing hours that should be spent with a therapist.
- Hot chicks.
Now, keep in mind I don’t mean just decently good-looking women, or the ladies who are consistently described as “super cute” by their friends. I mean the women who women hate, and who men act stupid around. Think: Victoria’s Secret models and ex-Playboy bunnies with ghostwritten autobiographies based on soon-to-be-failed marriages.
Anyway.
You know what works for hot chicks when it comes to dating? Pretty much everything. The few rules that apply to beautiful women (don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, and have at least one iota of personality less annoying than 6am concrete jackhammering) usually do not suffice for the majority of people. Such is life.
To the Gurus: Please don’t lecture us on your insights and the super-awesome skill set you’ve developed to capture the affections of men. You have no secret. You have no skills. You have a genetic blessing and a great boob job. End of story.
TO MEN 
- Self-proclaimed “players” or anyone who has ever, or will ever, be affiliated with the Pick-Up Artist (PUA) community.
Now, after reading a couple dozen of the forums and guides written by these PUA fellas, I almost sympathize with their plight. They see females as an elusive species that requires extensive study and manipulation to conquer. It’s endearing, really, that we marshal so much of their focus. But… that doesn’t mean anyone should listen to their twisted perspective on dating.
For one thing, almost all of their discussions are about appearances. Not actually doing anything right or becoming better people, just *appearing* to be interesting, successful, etc so they can succeed with the ladies (translation: get laid that once every eight dozen tries their approach works).
Also, it seems these guys care more about what other guys think of them and not what it actually takes to attract women. Which, makes sense when it surfaces yet again that a dating demigod is ACTUALLY playing World of Warcraft in his parents’ basement, and only writing about some pretend sex life online. In the gnarly mess of competing characters, it’s still the blind leading the blind — they’ve just temporarily hidden it behind the ego of people who think they see 20/20.
PUA Fantasy
PUA Reality
To the Gurus: Between those of you who are super angry at women for being female (not getting laid), and the others who are clearly just selling ‘advice’ because you’ve realized that you can (possibly getting laid, but only interested in recruiting desperate men to stroke your…ego), this underground community has all the social value of a North Korean nuclear silo. There are more rewarding things in life than anonymous minions who want to hear about your awesomely faked sexcapades. Promise.
- Anyone who uses the term “alpha male.”
A close cousin to the PUA gurus, there is an entire movement encouraging men to exert themselves as “alpha males.”
Quick Public Service Announcement for Desperate 22-year-old virgins: Do not self label with douchey terms if the end goal is to be respected/taken seriously/attract women.
Let’s think for a moment about the men we hold up as the truly great leaders –the CEO’s, 4-Star Generals, Chuck Norris, etc. — and how they achieved greatness. Did it involve buying a vanity license plate to read ALPHA D69? Usually, no. Being a badass means you don’t have to use amped-up, über-masculine terms to define yourself.
As for their advice, anytime someone throws down the phrase alpha male, it’s usually followed with a whole lot of hoopla on how to act around women — mostly machismo and antiquated renditions of “show no feelings and the chicks will instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano.”
Riiiight.
In all my days on the dating scene, I can think of a few men who stood out as the kind of top dogs that ‘alphas’ try to emulate: The strong, smart, every man’s men who generally kicks ass at everything they do. And yes, get laid like crazy.
But, with these guys, it’s clear that their appeal is not how they tee themselves up, or their personal efforts to be domineering. They let their actions speak louder than words, and kept the confidence of their peers through personal integrity. The alpha male advice can’t fake what these guys have going for them, and although it may suck for the male 99%, not everyone can be leader of the pack.
To the Gurus: Don’t slap an alpha male band-aid on an inferiority bullet wound and call it a strategy. The only thing you’ll attract with such obnoxious self-promotion is lots of eye rolling, so please stop spreading this silly terminology and the archaic principles behind it. It’s embarrassing. To you, to me, to Chuck Norris. Really to everyone who meets you.
TO EITHER GENDER
- People who have been married for more than 10 years (unless they are giving advice to other married people).
The human memory is a funny thing. We can recall every Britney Spears lyric from the 1990′s, but ask someone the capital of North Dakota and they’ll lose to a 5th grader every time. It’s inevitable that some stuff gets pushed to the mental wayside over the years — usually the boring, hard, or completely irrelevant aspects of our education. And, anything that makes us doubt our ability to instruct everyone else on the right way to do things.
Alas, if you haven’t actively “dated” since Princess Diana was waving graciously at the masses, there’s a chance your memory is missing a big chunk of reality. It’s not all sunshine and puppy tails, and even if it was, dating advice from back in the day neglects the modern dilemmas — What the heck is proper text etiquette? Should men use emoticoms and lol? Does it have to be official on Facebook to be *really* official? Can it be relationship Monday-Friday if the weekends are used for casual orgies with married folks, farm animals, and local politicians? Sorry seniors, but I doubt that early 80′s experience covered the basics.
To the Gurus: We’re all happy that whatever you did worked out for you, but when it comes to dating, you’ve got a decade of neural pruning between you and what it’s really like. Be happy where you are, and leave the single folks to drown in their own misery, without adding confusing mixed messages about how it “works.” Receiving that sappy Leave it to Beaver Christmas card every year is cruel enough as is.
You are about as awesome as awesome can get, Anna. =)
(Real response soon – just had to say that; this is in my list of top posts, ever.)
Thanks!! Gotta admit, this one was fun to write. While I try for the most part to be more constructive than critical, some of these folks just needed to be called out. Glad you enjoyed the mini-rant
Haha–Guilty on some counts. Me and a zillion others. (Not the alpha male part for me though.)
We’re all guilty of a few faux pas, especially in the dating arena!
“For one thing, almost all of their discussions are about appearances. Not actually doing anything right or becoming better people, just *appearing* to be interesting, successful, etc so they can succeed with the ladies”
Please read this post and let me know if you think the above sentence holds true (I’ll tell you now it doesn’t):
http://3rdmilleniummen.wordpress.com/2012/07/27/rapid-growth-and-development/
“A close cousin to the PUA gurus, there is an entire movement encouraging men to exert themselves as “alpha males.” Quick Public Service Announcement: Do not self label with wildly egotistical terms if the end goal is to be taken seriously.
Let’s think for a moment about the men we hold up as the truly great leaders (the CEO’s, 4-Star Generals, Chuck Norris, etc.) and how they achieved greatness.”
Either you haven’t understood the nuances of the term, or you’re purposely trying to misrepresent what is written. Yes we are encouraging men to be more ‘alpha’, ie embrace their masculinity and to step up as men. But just tell me if you think it’s attractive that men are betas- unable to make decisions, always deferring to women, grovelling at womens’ feet rather than being somebody worthy of females’ respect.
Look, I’ve read a lot of your blog, and as far as that whole niche goes, its clear you’ve got your head on straighter than most. But let’s be real. So, so much of what is written under PUA/alpha labeling is downright laughable. When it’s not laughable, it’s still majorly conflicted and misguided, with back and forth diatribes on other guys definitions of manliness. Overall, most of the guys purporting to know the “rules” for “how to be alpha” are completely missing the principles that make great men stand out. Let’s take a passage from one of your favorites, that Heartiste fellow:
http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2011/05/24/top-10-signs-youre-a-beta-male/
“First, an alpha male does not take women he hasn’t sexed yet on dinner dates. He takes them to bars and keeps his cost-per-lay low by limiting expenditures to a couple of vodka tonics, and does not entertain the idea of spending a lot of money on women until they have proven themselves worthy of his resources. The judgement of her worthiness necessarily follows her sexual surrender.
Second, a pretty woman is not a “pack” that must be impressed. She is a self-absorbed princess wannabe who must be seduced. Any successful seduction begins with bringing her down to earth where her unnaturally inflated value won’t intrude upon her desire to sleep with you. Groveling for her approval by throwing money and meals at her is the wrong way to cut the legs out from under her symbiotically fused princess pedestal.”
So… guys can’t take a woman he hasn’t had sex with on a dinner date? A pretty woman is “a self-absorbed princess wannabe who must be seduced”? Is this for real?!?
There is nothing “alpha” about having to come up with these arbitrary, unapprised rules on how to interact with women. Call me crazy, but this sounds like bad advice.
I’m glad that you’re not afraid to stand by what you think is legit, both here and in cases like your “things that won’t be tolerated in the Manosphere” post. Taking the heat is very…alpha-esque?
but, you tend to take your singular experience and use it to discredit any statements that don’t agree. Yes, this post contains a few sweeping generalizations that aren’t ALWAYS the case, and the definition of alpha is as varied as the men who use it. Alas, this is a blog. I don’t have the time or desire to give a full academic breakdown, and in the meantime, want to point out that many so-called gurus have warped this label in a way that’s just obnoxious.
Guys like you don’t need to defend your particular approach or the fact that you’ve also used certain terminology, because it’s not really what I’m poking fun at here. You’re not selling or marketing a how-to guide full of bad ideas (as far as I know). Acknowledging that there are occasional outliers and you’ve written some good posts on the topic, still — most people in these communities doing more harm than good by douching up what it means to be a man.
Oh, and just a minor request, since your blog is written by 3 different guys, maybe ya’ll could show a name or something on who writes what re: these comments…? Not sure if it’s always a collective effort or if I’m sometimes responding to different people!
“So… guys can’t take a woman he hasn’t had sex with on a dinner date? A pretty woman is “a self-absorbed princess wannabe who must be seduced”? Is this for real?!?”
I completely disagree with this. Heartiste writes a lot of great stuff which I link to, but I strongly disagree on a lot of things as well.
And I agree that a lot of people in the Manosphere go too far. Hence why I’ve written why I won’t tolerate misogyny, which I appreciate you recognising. It’s important that there are voices of reason to pull some men back into line and help women realise that we do in fact love them!
You’re always interacting with George when 3MM comes up.
And Anna in all seriousness, I disagree with some things that you write but I also think that you offer a very valuable perspective on a number of areas. Keep the writing coming!!
Right back at you on all counts, George
As for the things we disagree on, at least it’s a sign we’re thinking for ourselves…?
What I find lacking in so much of the advice is an understanding that it is not enough to just attract someone. If that’s all dating were about and the only issue, well there’s easy solution, girls, show him your boobs. We all know that girl. She gets lots of attention from the guys. She may always have a date for Friday night. I don’t think anyone would say she has better success at finding a relationship or the love of her life.
There’s a difference between advice on how to get dates and how to date so you find someone so you don’t need advice on how to date anymore. Most are selling the former as the latter.
Completely agree. The same applies to men as well- pick up artists increased mens’ ability to attract women, but there was a big gap when it came to relationships. That’s why the Manosphere has been so valuable.
Yep — another astute observation by PostModernSingle. There IS a difference between dating and relationship advice. Most of the bad info out there pertains to the former (presumably because it’s an easier quick sell), and actually some relationship advice/experts are quite insightful. Some. If I was a better wordsmith, I wouldn’t have used the terms “dating” and “relationship” interchangeably, since it’s definitely not the same thing. Should probably go back and change that…
THAT is very well said!
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this is so true and totally hilarious…great work…loved it
Thanks! I see you’re in the advice niche yourself…?
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I can’t help but chuckle while reading this. Awesome job by the way. really loved it. Can;t help but say this article hit those aforementioned “gurus” and “PUAs” right in the shins :3
Thanks Kent, glad it made you chuckle ☺ I’m being a little facetious here, and certainly not all of the gurus or PUA related literature is total BS… but some of them have earned a little shin-kicking.
I couldn’t help but laugh my way through a lot of this great post, either because I saw the ads/gurus you were talking about, or witnessed the alpha male conquest approach by others. When I turned 40 several years ago, I found myself a single dad who hadn’t dated since 1985. So your comment about if you haven’t dated since Princess D. you probably need a reality check when it comes to the dating world really cracked me up. I remember those first few post-marriage dates and thinking how out of step I was. I eventually realized it wasn’t so much about getting in-step with everyone else as it was about finding that person who had the same stride. I actually found that person through a dating website — a HUGE leap of faith for me — and have been very happily married for four years now to (Warning: korn alert!) the woman who is truly my other half. My wife and I often comment on how thankful we are to NOT on the dating scene anymore; that’s a wrap for us.
Hi Ned, glad you liked the post! And, glad you and your wife beat the odds (and thousands of competitors) online, to now join the legion of fortunate people who can ignore all the aforementioned crappy advice! Also, even if your dating skills were better suited to the mid 80’s, one line of your comment nailed it: “…It wasn’t so much about getting in-step with everyone else as it was about finding that person who had the same stride.” This seems to be true across the decades and despite all trends. Hope others will be as wise as you in their search for someone ☺
Thanks, Anna. My best wishes to you for the New Year
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