“The virtue which requires to be ever guarded is scarcely worth the sentinel.” (Oliver Goldsmith)

Of all the weird terms and wildly irrelevant phrases that lead people to my blog, I’m surprised at the frequency of one in particular: Virginity.  

A few months ago, I wrote about a friend losing “it” as a late 20-something — hence why Googlers may land on this site — but recently the topic re-emerged in a different form.  The “one night stand” post inadvertently started a contentious back and forth about if women who’ve had sex (before marriage, that is) still keep up their desirability. One guy asserts that given the opportunity, all men would marry a virgin, and that personally he would only “tolerate if there had been one other.” (i.e., a girl could’ve only slept with one other guy to be marriage material). To some, it kinda sounded like insinuating that women who’ve had multiple sexual partners in their lifetime are…well… irrelevant sluts.

Understandably, both the topic and some of the phrasing caused serious conflict. The average age for (first) marriage is ~ 26 for American women, and most have surpassed the one-partner threshold before they’ve even considered the altar. Given this norm, many gals find it absurd that a sexual history implies they are poor potential partners. The male author maintains that it’s the reality of what men REALLY want.

Honestly, rather than pissed, I was perplexed by the whole discussion. By our 20′s and beyond, people don’t usually talk about virginity outside of re-telling awkward first-time stories. Is this really something that men use to evaluate romantic partners? Is virginity truly preferred (or perhaps even required) by some modern men?

I explained the blogger debate, and the theory that he’d like me more if I never slept with him or anyone else. The discussion in summary:Me: “Would we still be dating 2 years later if there was no sexual aspect?”Him: [Sensing a potential trick question] “Umm… I don’t know. I doubt it. A few months was a pretty long time to wait. You handled it perfectly. Then again, I think everything you do is perfect.”

(Good answer. Interrogation over. Sort of.)While my BF claims it’s a non-issue in our case, he also said he understands the mindset, and tried to explain.Him: “I think part of it is the fantasy that you can mold her. She doesn’t have any previous ideas about what it should be like, so you could shape her however you want sexually.”Me: “That sounds twisted.”Him: “No, I mean like, anything you do would be okay with her. She wouldn’t have any preferences or expectations about what it should be like.”

Me: “So, mainly it’s that it would make life easier for you — less threatening?  No competition?  Less of a challenge?”

Him: “Yeah, that’s probably part of it. Then a man could do anything, and the woman wouldn’t know any better. She’d be totally wrapped up in him no matter what.”

Le sigh.

I tried to respectfully listen without blowing a gasket all over the guy who once said, “I couldn’t even tell you how many women I’ve slept with,” but the discussion was a weird one to have with a BF. I was put off by the idea that men would want to “shape” someone like a sexual Gumby, and argued that especially these days, even virgins don’t go into the situation completely naïve.  The previously mentioned 28-year-old recently non-virgin friend had tons of preconceived notions, both from the media and general banter from people who had been there. Heck, straightaway after their first few encounters, she called freaking out that the experience wasn’t how it was “supposed” to be. (The only thing I could explain was that figuring out sexual normalcy was like figuring out art. Everyone has preferences, and there isn’t necessarily a right way to do things…)

Anyway, these days we don’t develop our ideas about sex solely from our partners (don’t even get me started on how porn might factor into future generations) and my first reaction to the BF’s commentary was being a little angry that it was all about the man.

Letting it marinate for a bit, though, I’ve decided there are two ways to look at that line of reasoning:

a) That men are selfish beings who only want what they want — they’re primarily interested in pleasing themselves and believe women should be primarily interested in pleasing them, too.  They’re scared of a challenge and competing with former partners, and want women conforming to the virgin mentality so they won’t have to.

I’ll *try* and believe it’s (b).

Overall, though, I think what upsets so many females about the issue is that it frames virginity (and thus sex) as the primary asset we have to offer. Most arguments imply that our value is determined by sex and sex alone, like it’s the only thing we’ll ever contribute to a partnership. This isn’t an assumption pulled out of thin air — historically and still in some cultures today, a woman is sold into marriage based on her virgin status. Without it, she has no value. Now that’s rough.

Is this the norm being perpetuated now? Unfortunately, it doesn’t appear so. Instead of being a relationship issue, e.g. where exclusivity enhances longevity and love, virginity has become a power issue that makes men seem like they’re grasping for straws.

Focusing on virginity, especially if just as some way to devalue the (now average) woman who waits till 26 to get married, is unrealistic – Females may not be quite on par with men regarding sex drive, but to “require” virginity until they’re in their 20′s is asking for self-control that rivals Mahatma Gandhi.

At least personally, getting married to my college boyfriend or right after graduation would have been a huge mistake. Even in the years following, I wasn’t in a place to “settle down” and start a family, and the guy I dated post-college would have been a terrible husband (I’m not saying that to be mean – he openly admits it himself).

Plus, thinking about it now, those experiences have done the opposite of negatively impact my current relationship and its longevity. Because I have dated other people, the value of what we have is all too visible. Without those previous experiences, though, I may have been skeptical about the quality of our relationship. And who knows… maybe even the sex.

It can work both ways, too, for men and women alike — Rather than wanting to chase after all the tail they missed after 22, men might be happier when they’ve had some “experiences” and know there are other things worth doing.

The other morning my boyfriend was driving me to the airport at 4:30 AM, when he looked at the clock and goes, “Man.  There was a time when I would just be coming home from the bars right now.” (If 4:30am sounds extreme, it’s worth mentioning that he used to live in Las Vegas.)

For a moment I thought, Oh crap. He’s comparing going out partying to this super un-fun task, and probably hating being in a relationship at this very moment.

Then, he grabbed my hand and says, “Babe, can I just tell you that I never want to go back out there?  Now that we’ve met, hopefully I won’t ever have to again.”

Nice, right?  Totally makes up for the sexual Gumby comments.

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I’ll admit the (by now) obvious and say that my virginity is not something I’ll be able to offer a future husband. That ship has sailed and is out of my control. But…I hope to offer a number of other things, which on some level and to some men, may even be more appealing.