So, a while back, Bill at topiclessbar struck again with his infinite funniness, this time about what search terms link to his blog.  It made me realize that all the bizarre search terms leading people to my posts are not, in fact, as weird as I thought they were. Comparatively they may even be quite normal. (See: xxx peanut comics, I want a foot licker, and ketchup is naughty).

Regardless, it’s still hilarious to see what people are jones’ing for on the Internet. This is probably one reason why Google employees are consistently ranked as “most satisfied” with their jobs — How could you not be smiling if your position’s daily tasks included indexing all the crazy sh*t that people look up, post, and say/do/share online?

It’s rumored that you can find anything on the Internet, so I tried to search for a few items earlier this evening:

• “caterpillar pancakes” – Check. 5,110 results.
• World of Warcraft hotties calendar – Check. 29,900,000 potential related links. (29 million!?!)
• “SPAM personal hygiene products” Bzzzzt. Sadly, no results found. (Although I’d bet someone in the Honey Boo Boo family has a line coming out)

While we may not be able to find ANYTHING online, the Internet still hosts about 98% of the worlds ridiculous thoughts and ideas. Plus, cartoon cat parodies of those ridiculous thoughts and ideas.

In whatever small way, I’m glad to be contributing to this “information” superhighway. Along with bouncing around Q&A’s with other highly admirable bloggers, it’s sometimes a high point in my day to see what queries landed people on these humble pages — mostly because it’s usually so unbelievably random.

As I eclipse the one year anniversary of this WordPress experience, thought it would be an okay time to share the popular, the misguided, and the completely mystifying queries that guide people to the Romance, Research, & Reality.

The #1 ranked search query, beating all others by nearly twofold:
How many relationships start online.

Fun story — I got a phone call the other morning, a friend asking, “Hey, um, do you have like a blog?”  Turns out when you Google the above phrase, my post comes up as the top in the search rankings.  Not sure how/why/what SEO gremlins got me confused with a legitimate source, but I’ll take this opportunity to cross something off the list: Gain semi-internet-infamy without showing any boobies. Check!

Moving on — #2 in the queue:

Surprise surprise… Something about porn. Or, sex. Or, the type of sex in the porn.

From a quick once-over the queries include:
~ Why women/wives/girls/females/anything with a vagina doesn’t like porn
~ Beaten women porn, beaten porn, or various variations of someone getting beaten… in porn. (Note: this, along with the weird inclusions of the word hate in porn queries, also wins my “Most disturbing” category for the sheer frequency)

Also making the list:
~ “porn with 70% story and 30% sex” (This search has appeared more than once. Is 70/30 some nuanced golden ratio?)
~ “Why aren’t women like porn actresses” (Um, probably the same reason why aren’t you like that guy in The Notebook.)

Quite interesting sex queries:

~ “going down a dark road sexually” (…would love to know what led to this search)

~ “Thelma and Louise boobs” (Naming the girls ?)
~ “tractive female cleavage” (physics flashback)
~ “can interaction with fairer sex means having sex with them??” (Pretty sure that’s the only way, if we’re talking sheer proximity)
~ “how to maintain a love triangle in the Facebook age” (I’d guess by not having a Facebook account.)

More kosher top-ranked topics:

~ Dating someone from a broken home
~ some form of “Is losing your virginity a big deal?”
~ Ugly duckling complex
~ Man and woman brain test

Most errant clicks:

~ A day at work for a man in the 1800′s (I looked like 20 pages back and this one is still a mystery)
~ “chemicals that look like people” (Perhaps like the chemicals this user was on?)

Just weird:

“A guy not my jugular and it hurts will I be ok” (I have yet to become a certified medical professional but generally if it’s not gushing blood, and you’re googling it instead of going to the ER —  now known as the ED — you’ll probably be fine.)

Annnnnd that sums it up for now. Anti-climactic, yes? For however weird it gets, we’re all in this together when it comes to technology.  I mean, what terms lead people to your posts?