Online dating is the bread-and-butter of 21st century romance, but a lot of people have been confused by the transition. Actually, I’m not sure if people are confused, but a lot of people think a lot of people are confused, judging by the volume of profile advice out there.

If you’re overwhelmed by the Do’s and Don’ts, have no fear — there is a solution.

Step 1: Be yourself.

Step 2: Avoid the Red Flag phrases.

Not sure what those might be? Here’s a quick list to get you started.

THINGS TO AVOID FOR ….

Men:

1) Finding a caring, understanding woman is important to me. And by understanding, I mean you understand why we can’t tell my wife about our rendezvous.

2) Sex offender registries are a crock, and that mugshot looks nothing like me.

3) I’m committed to self-improvement — the court mandated therapist says we’re making progress every day.

4) I’m intrigued by cannibalism and would love to meat you. I mean, meet you.

5) Age is just a number, and I am young at heart. Changing the occasional adult diaper shouldn’t stop us from exploring one another’s bodies as nature intended.

Don’t say this about any of your exes, either, while you’re at it.

Women:

1) I don’t have much free time, so I’ll probably need you to watch my kids for a bit before any dates. Just gotta run out and handle a few things. After that, I’m all yours!!

2) While still mourning the loss of my first 5 husbands (all of whom died of natural causes, for the record), I’m excited to meet another man who will appreciate my special touch and tender loving care. 70+ preferred, but will accept 60+ with no living beneficiaries.

3) My name is Anastasia and is SO happy to be meeting you. Your handsomeness taking my breath away and pleased to show my love. We are needing only $1000 American dollars to make plane to your country.

4) If you want to see more pictures, check out my website at FapFactory.com.

5) I’m looking for a man who believes in gender equality – A REAL man that attends bi-weekly female-supportive demonstrations, and the occasional foreign film. To all you misogynistic bastards out there, I will not engage in any activity that I find degrading, demoralizing, disrespectful, gender-specific, or undignified.

Don’t know why, but I just love this picture.