$h*! officially just got weird. (Not you, Miley. This is about the SEX ROBOTS.)

Just when I think we’ve reached the end-zone, a total conflation and distortion of romance, sex, relating, and technology, the blasted universe does it again.  In an emerging trend that makes an online dating meat-market seem tame, or heck, maybe even normalizes tranny-midget-quadruple penetration porn, we now have a new sexually confused phenomenon called…  The Sex Robot. 

Yes, this is just as weird as it sounds.

Yes, this is just as weird as it sounds.

Robots? You mean like vibrators or that fleshlight thing?

Nope. I mean like entire fake plastic “people” who come with pre-programmed personalities and fetishes.  Kid you not, a market leader is now mass producing their “Roxxxy” model, with début options that Zaron Burnett describes as including:

– “Frigid Farrah” who’s shy and reticent

– “S&M Susan” who enjoys pain/pleasure exchanges

– “Mature Martha” who’s very experienced and ready to teach you

– “Young” who’s “barely 18” and ready for you to teach her

– “Wild Wendy” who’s adventurous and ready to try something new.

Douglas Hines:  Not just the president, he's also a client.

Douglas Hines: Not just the president, he’s also a client.

Um, wow. Glad they’ve covered all the ridiculous, wholly unrealistic stereotypes of female sexual behavior. If you’re one of those unique, weird, indie types, though, they also have the option to program the Roxy doll to be in whatever likeness you’re craving. Oh yes, gentleman and … gentleman. You can seriously now OWN the woman of your dreams, fake plastic, never-aging breasts and all.

"Real Doll" ... Because this looks just like most high school teachers you'll encounter in the "real" world.

“Real Doll” … Because this looks like most high school teachers you’ll encounter in the “real” world.

It really is perfect:

She’s entirely up to your desires and design — None of those imperfections or annoying shortcomings that you’d have to face with real women. (A-cups, pudgy thighs, imperfect facial features? Gross. So 1990’s.)

When you’re done, stick her in a closet. When you’re ready, pull her out of the closet. She won’t care or complain at all!

When you want to get it on and watch Weekend at Bernies at the same time, there will be no foolish chit-chat about “romance” to offend your delicate sexual sensibilities (of course, unless you want to program her that way).

You’ll never have to face rejection, embarrassment, or stifled urges again — You can do it anywhere, anytime, in any um… Yeah. Hole. Sorry. Got a little creeped out at the thought of men humping the face of a life-size plastic doll.

Living the dream.

Living the dream.

Anyway — Best of all, you’ll NEVER have to show an ounce of concern about how another person feels in bed EVER AGAIN. No two-way streets here — It’s all about you. Just as it should be, right?


Here’s the thing: The idea of robotic sex prostitutes could indeed hold some appeal — Maybe their use would reduce violence towards women, or slow the spread of certain diseases. Maybe having a few of these around could absorb all the trauma and heartbreak caused by the human sex drive, or at least deflect it a bit. (Q of the day: Would you be pissed if your husband was secretly hooking up with a doll?)

But, is there any way this could really work for people? The power, intrigue, and lust we feel for what we can’t have (or at least can’t get easily) is what makes sex SEXY. If it comes off a shelf or can be purchased for a few measly dollars, we’re in danger of doing more than dampening the fun — we’re in danger of eliminating it entirely.

robot - sex-robot

Let’s think economics for a minute, i.e. what’s considered valuable in society. Diamonds, for example, or other precious jewels. In the food world, they covet truffles, wines older than your favorite grandparent, exotic fish and weird fruit. Cars from overseas, clothes handmade from a designer in Paris. We like it because it’s rare and hard to come by.

What’s NOT high value? Hemp necklaces. A McDonald’s hamburger. Anything from IKEA. If everyone could get a degree from Harvard, it probably wouldn’t hold it’s reputation for long.

Some people might not agree with the ideals of elitism or exclusivity, but we can’t deny that having to work for something is a large part of why we enjoy it, and how we instill [value]. Having everything handed to us might sound good in theory, but even in childhood, most of us realize that what you work for and buy yourself are the BEST things. As adults, most of us have experienced the Gatsby effect: getting something you want can make it lose all it’s appeal. We simply love the chase. We need it, in fact, to be happy.

There’s almost nowhere that reflects this forbidden fruit, passion-filled pursuit mentality more than human sexual relations. Men and women like the lust, maybe men more so than I give them credit. Strip clubs, for example, are full of *temptation* that the man (technically) can’t have. But they love it. As one guy explained it, “What you can’t see is even sexier than what you can. It’s all about imagination.”

With these dolls, men can build their fantasy design from toe to top — picking out every feature, inch, and added software installs. And… then what? If you can have S&M Susan, or “Young” (can you believe they didn’t even bother giving that one a name?) anytime you want… then what? Yehaw for like, a few weeks I’m guessing. Then things are going to get weird(er).

Guys, you know it will.

Guys, you know it will get weirder.

In terms of sex, men love the chase because it’s everything we humans desire all in one: a goal, a partnership, a pursuit, a victory. Historically its been a tough sell: “Hey baby, can I thrust and sweat all over you for 2 minutes, then stand back and watch as a tiny human feeds off your insides and bursts out of your vagina in 9 months?” Women don’t give it up as easily as men would like, and that’s what keeps them coming back.

I can’t imagine what kind of weirdness will arise as a result of the complete removal of resistance, or interactions, or delayed gratification. Waiting till marriage to have sex? Yeah right. More like waiting for the UPS guy to get here. Just like porn addicts hunt for more and more extreme videos, it won’t be long before these robots become more than just a place to put it. They’ll become the next disease that plagues romantic ideals.


Good luck, future grandchildren that I may not have. Between porn, robots, and who-knows-what awesomeness we’ll be seeing next, by the time this generation has kids and those kids reach maturity, maybe people won’t even feel bothered to hump these pleasantly shaped orgasm vending machines.  Oh, I mean, “make love” to them.

3 responses to “$h*! officially just got weird. (Not you, Miley. This is about the SEX ROBOTS.)

  1. I think that you hit the nail on the head when you said, “Working for something makes the payoff better.” I think a lot of people would disagree with that, at least when it comes to sex. I’m sure there are a ton of people out there, men and women alike, for whom the rejection, the drama, the complicated emotional fall outs, etc. do NOT outweigh the temporary benefits that sex brings. An orgasm only lasts a few seconds, but heartbreak and anxiety can last a lifetime. Emotional connections with another human being are double edged swords, and quite frankly I think a lot of people see relationships as a zero sum game.

    I’m not trying to say that I agree or disagree with the idea of sex robots. But I can certainly understand their appeal to people.

    • Thanks for your comment! And yes, I’d have to agree that some people would be thrilled to cut out all the chasing/drama/heartbreak etc. I just wonder if even THOSE people, once they’d had a few months or years of trouble-free Big O’s, would wind up with “Why aren’t I happy? What’s this empty feeling?” … Feelings.

      We’re 100% on the same page re: “Emotional connections with another human being are double edged swords, and quite frankly I think a lot of people see relationships as a zero sum game.”

      That’s a pretty concise summary of modern dating, and probably romance in ‘civil societies’ across history.

      You seem like an insightful guy — looking forward to more of your feedback in the future!

  2. I recall several years ago reading about a team in Japan that came up with a robot that had a “personality” and, yeah, you could even have sex with her. I thought, at that time, “Are you kidding me?” That same team, a little later on, invented a male version of that robot and he was also capable of being a sex object, too. I thought, “Sheesh, what’s the world coming to… and why?”

    So now when you tell us about this latest thing, all I can do is roll my eyes but, at the same time, there is an odd sense of logic behind sex dolls, namely, you get to have all the fun without having to deal with the female mindset and emotional turmoil.

    I’m not saying it’s right or even ethical/moral… but it does kinda make sense and more so for those folks who are antisocial or otherwise not inclined to interact with real people. “Working for something makes the payoff better” is fine… provided you can even do some work to get that payoff and for those who can’t or won’t do the work – sex robots.

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